A Cat Reviews Cat Food

Interviewer: Good morning, viewers! In today's episode of What's Tasty, we have a very special guest. As you all know, we review a certain food product every episode. The products are usually edible and the reviewers are humans. However, today's product is a bit different; you might not be familiar with it, but our guest sure is. Please welcome our first-ever guest from the feline community, Chonk!

Chonk: Meow.

I: So, Chonk, please tell us what you want to review today.

C: I'd actually like to go over all the stuff my hoomans have been feeding me since I expanded my territory to include the place I've allowed them to live in. They're lucky I don't charge rent. But I do charge food and litter box cleaning services, and—

I: Yes, we'll get back to that, but could we start discussing the products, please?

C: Right. The first product I have here is a packet of Energy biscuits. Back when I first met my hoomans, I was very skinny since food resources were scarce, so they gave me an open packet of Energy biscuits. They made a grave mistake. Stupid hoomans. Don't they know we can't eat sweet things?

I: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.

C: Anyway, when I started living in my new house where the hoomans also happen to live, they started feeding me the second dish that you see here: a simple fish curry. I loved it because I could brag to the other strays that I got fed twenty times a day even though I didn't do anything for them. I became, and still am, the biggest landowner in that neighbourhood. Of course, there are fights sometimes, but nobody dares to hu—

I: Interesting, but could you tell us more about the fish curry?

C: The fish? It was okay. The hoomans would eat it too. It tasted divine back then, but since I'm a powerful feline now, my tastes have been refined, so I moved on to the assortment of products here: imported cans of Chonkers Tuna, Salmon, Seafood, and Chicken. My hoomans spend thousands of bucks on these cans because I refuse to eat anything else. So, maybe I do charge them rent?

I: Okay, I get it. You're basically what they call in Bangla a protapshali neta… a tyrannical landlord. But please, let's get back to the food.

C: Look, I don't care whether all of you suffer because of me, as long as you bring me food and clean my litter box. Anyway, as I was saying, this food tastes good, but I've landed my sights on dry food, specifically the chicken-flavoured Mlem biscuits. They're not bad! I might change my diet again and eat dry food only. Of course, you need to spice things up sometimes. That's why I still go out on hunts even though I don't need to. I bring back a dead rat or bird sometimes as the only token of gratitude for my hoomans.

I: How generous of you. Unfortunately, our time is up. Thank you for your reviews, Chonk. Any last words for our viewers?

C: Okay then, now give me food. It's been .71 seconds since I last ate. I'm starving to death!

Adhora Ahmed tries to make her two cats befriend each other, but in vain. Tell her to give up at adhora.ahmed@gmail.com