Connecting with the emotionally distant father

This Father's Day I wondered how I could commemorate the day ostensibly dedicated to honouring the contributions of a father with whom I have never shared a real emotional bond. What could I say in the day's obligatory Facebook post?

"Thank you for being there for me," feels more satirical than sentimental. I suddenly wished I could buy a hallmark card that just said, "You are a father, this is a day."

I have the impression that my predicament is not isolated. Fathers are notorious in our culture for being emotionally inaccessible. They are the silent patriarchs of a house, a character you're supposed to love but don't know how to.

It is understandable that anyone who has had an emotionally distant father might feel that connecting with them is a lost cause. However, I have chosen to involve my father's presence in my foreseeable future and perhaps if you are in the same boat as me, this article can give you some insight.

During this endeavour, it is worth remembering that an emotionally unavailable parent's lack of emotional support, is not your fault. The first stage in this trial is to acknowledge and accept that the relationship that exists is currently distant, and that it is okay for you to protect yourself by disengaging if you do not feel emotionally secure. You are not obligated to forgive and forget every misgiving just because you are trying to connect now. You can attempt to build a better relationship for your own sake, without disregarding the impact previous traumatic experiences may have had on the relationship, and you.

Attempting to sit together at mealtimes on a regular basis and slowly including their presence into your daily routine, can be a safe first step. During small talk, you could try to talk about uninflammatory topics. When interactions with fathers are sparse, even a silent dinner can be meaningful.

Finding a generic common interest can also help with forming a connection. Watching a cricket match together and bonding over your love for Tamim Iqbal could help relieve awkward tensions and who knows, it could even become a fond memory to remember during trying times.

Another thing to do, if possible, is to run errands together. Even some friendly banter about which fish is better while shopping at Karwan Bazar can lighten the mood and foster a friendlier relationship. Regular conversations, even about mundane things, might help you become more accustomed to one another.

In the case that your father reciprocates positively during conversations, the key is to listen to him, regardless of your opinion. Even if it becomes a lecture of some sort about life, with which you do not agree. Finding a confidant in you can feel good for him as well. A fortunate outcome can be that they understand that their child is making an effort and so, he tries to reciprocate.

It is hard to find connection with unresolved issues looming over your heads, and it is even harder to establish a connection in which efforts seem to be only one-sided. However, I have discovered that even stilted discussions or a once-in-a-blue-moon awkward smile from my father helps me deal with conflicts better and provides me with affirmations when they are scarce.