When we were six years old, we would show up to events at our relatives’ houses hand in hand with our parents dressed head to toe in clothes that reflected whatever mood our moms were in. You had a very good chance of wearing matching outfits with your sibling.

As we grow up, our relationships with people around us change in many ways. People often speak about how the dynamics between you and your parents, siblings, and friends change as you age but an often unexplored dynamic is the one between you and your relatives, or extended family members.

As kids, your parents gatekeep your relationship with their families. You mostly visit whoever’s house your parents like more and you don’t see much of those relatives who your parents either aren’t as close with or have whatever complicated issues going on with. You depend on your parents for taking you places along with them and are not mature enough to contemplate family dynamics or understand people as individuals beyond how nicely they talk to you or if they give you presents. 

Re-assessing people

A part of growing up means realising and forming an opinion on family members. You now understand their journeys, their characteristics, and their circumstances. You suddenly realise what some people have gone through. Was a family member simply misunderstood in the past? You may have thought a certain uncle or aunt was cranky, possessive, overprotective or a bit of a miser before but now your new found maturity may justify why these people are the way they are.

Of course the opposite applies too. You may have simply enjoyed the company of a relative or found them funny or entertaining but now you realise how they may be crude, offensive, sexist or downright rude. Often times you also realise a woman vilified by the whole family was one who was simply strong, independent, and voiced her own opinions. You may develep new found sympathy, admiration, or even disrespect for many people.

It’s your call now

Before, when you didn’t go over to any relative’s house enough they would ask your parents “Why don’t you bring them around more?” If they asked you, you would simply reply “Ammu ke bolbo ashte.”

But now, I am often told “Now you don’t need anybody else to show up. You’re out at university, with friends and out alone. Come over when you want.”

This is when you realise it is now fully upto you to maintain your relationships with your relatives. You can’t use your parents as an excuse anymore. You need to decide who you want to maintain close ties with in your busy schedule of class, work, social events and commit to them. In your tricky young adult world, everything is changing and you may need a system of support more than ever.

Family dynamics are a very delicate and difficult matter. Love them or hate them, you don’t get to pick your family or change them. It takes understanding, patience, and a little willingess to maintain a relationship with them.

Especially when you’re old enough to make your own choices.

Mrittika Anan Rahman is a daydreamer trying hard not to run into things while walking. Find her at anan_rahman7@yahoo.com