Here’s How You Become a True Horror Movie Bad Guy

People think being a supernatural servant of evil is an easy job. It's not. Some pesky little human might lay waste to your plan and the next thing you know, you are shunned by the paranormal community.

If you are a metaphysical servant of chaos struggling with your job and interested in joining our ranks, read on.

Don't have too much fun

Yes, chasing people, collecting souls, metaphysical torture is fun. But at the end of the day, you have to do the job.

Don't get too caught up in scaring the newly relocated family or the scared teenagers and botch up the job at the end. Also don't misplace the icon of sin, the token of evil or whatever material object you have put the eternal curse on. We don't want some know-it-all to find the thing and foil our plan. Also, avoid putting it too close to the hunting ground. We also don't want them to learn about the same lazy substandard backstory we all have for the hundredth time and figure out how to break the curse.

Be vigilant

According to the Beelzebub Association for Paranormal Welfare, nine out of ten times the victim gets away because of the lack of proper oversight.

Remember, your victims can run but they can't hide. Check under the bed, check between the closets, the basement, the attic. These two-legged chordates are not as intelligent as they think they are. They usually hide in the same places. The same creepy dark places as if nothing's going to go wrong. You have the power, my dudes.

Choose your victims accordingly

Be creative while picking the "hauntee." Picking the annoying kids has backfired way too many times.

Instead, go for the more likeable or smarter ones, after they split up and look around to see what's wrong in your little macabre lair like everything's perfectly normal. That way, they wouldn't be able to get away with their sorry little lives after losing their idiot friend to your masterful plans. Leaving the innocent kid for later is a terrible idea. They don't seem so innocent when they light you up with Greek fire or drown you in your very own eternally cursed body of water.

Be aware of your shortcomings

Being aware of your shortcomings is an essential code of practice for the paranormally menacing and hellishly evil.

We should all craft our sinister designs based on our shortcomings and strengths. You don't want to be a hellish demon stuck in a house with exorcist couples or a cold-blooded alien huntsman stuck in a tropical rainforest with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Play to your strengths and pick the perfect scenario. You can also set up traps or death tokens of different kinds if you are not that paranormally gifted.

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Syed Tamjid Tazwar is too lazy to come up with an original blurb. Contact with him at syedtazwartamjid@gmail.com