How language minimises the impact of women’s communication

Language is a powerful tool. It can move people to tears, incite violence and rage, empower people or even disintegrate them into pieces. When we constantly use our language to minimise the impact of our voice, we do ourselves a great disservice.

As a woman, it is difficult not to notice the difference between how my female colleagues speak and how our male counterparts speak. If you compare our style of writing within emails, you'll see a visible difference in tonality and diction. Women tend to use more exclamation marks and downtoners, say "thank you" more often, and use phrase deliverables not as direct orders but as suggestions.

"I was just wondering if you got a chance to look at the slides. It would be great to have your feedback on them ASAP. Thank you!"

"Kindly take a look at the slides and have your feedback sent in by no later than 11 AM. Regards."

I'll let you guess on who wrote which one.

You will find an obvious difference that speaks volumes about an underlying issue – most women often put in more effort in coming across as friendly and likeable in the workplace, whereas men appear more straightforward and curt, usually avoiding pleasantries.

When men show up with no-nonsense attitudes, they are hailed as effective leaders who are naturally authoritative. They have the privilege to skip on the niceties and still be glorified for it. On the flip side, if the hounds smell so much as a drop of assertiveness from a woman, they are quick to label her as disagreeable, uptight, and rude, among other things.

Especially with the use of downtoners such as "just", women minimise the impact of the words that follow. It is often viewed as a signal of a lack of confidence in our own leadership to those around us. The word "just" seems like you are asking for permission. "Just", is apologising for occupying the space that you have rightfully earned.

So, what happens when you constantly downplay yourself? You are undermining your own abilities. If you do that to yourself, it becomes even easier for others to start doubting your competence and capabilities.

While downright rudeness should never be excused, there needs to be a standard protocol in communication that both men and women can use, especially in professional settings. Women shouldn't feel like we have to always go out of our way to come across as likeable and amenable, while men should take note of making an effort to sound more approachable and less cold.

As women, we often have an intrinsic urge to constantly make ourselves smaller in any setting, be it physically or verbally, and we are so afraid of having our assertiveness perceived as rudeness, that we go out of our way to be nice. It's an uphill battle, but we still need to unlearn the long-term societal indoctrination that injects doubt into women's competence and inadvertently questions our authority.

Afia Ibnat is trying to gaslight herself into being productive. You too can gaslight her at afiaibnat09@gmail.com