It’s Not You, It’s Me

ILLUSTRATION: ALIZA RAHMAN

If you are wondering why all your three-month long relationships have inevitably fizzled out, maybe, just maybe, a little introspection is in order.

You are not in touch with your own emotions

You don't know what you need from your significant other and you don't know what you want out of your relationships. It's not uncommon to go with the flow, but not knowing your wants and needs, hinders relationships from growing into something serious. In situations like this, you're most likely to follow what your partner wants, and that may lead to discontentment and further complications in the long run. Take some time off, learn to process your emotions and acknowledge any negative ones. You can't voice your own needs and feelings if you never learn what they are.

You need to learn effective communication

Once you're confident that you understand yourself and know your needs well, the next problem may lie in your communication skills (or lack thereof). If people often misunderstand your tone and you are constantly explaining yourself, you probably have to learn to communicate better. The most important and neglected aspect of effective communication is listening, and listening with intent. You need to be emotionally available and work on your ability to empathise to become a good listener. It's okay to not be good at this right away, but with time, practice and some Anna Akana videos, you can help your partner feel heard and cared for.

You don't take the time to understand your SO's love language

This can be a tricky one. Is your partner's way of showing affection different from yours, or are they just not that into you? Keep a look out for patterns. Do they actively make time for you? Do they hesitate professing their love for you in words but get you really personal, thoughtful gifts? We are often biased when it comes to showing love; we tend to assume there are certain ways of loving someone and even more specific ways of showing that love. We accept what's familiar to us, and forget to account for anything different. Some may prefer voiced affirmations through letters and voice notes, while others might like acts of service such as grocery shopping dates. Have enough patience to get to know your partner and their love language.

You have past trauma or unaddressed issues

This can manifest in your life in a variety of ways. Maybe your past experiences with unhealthy relationships have taught you toxic patterns, and you don't know how to get out of those cycles. Maybe you have a fear of abandonment because of some unfortunate trauma, and it is manifesting itself in the form of trust issues with your partner.

We learn everything about love and comfort in early stages of our lives, mostly from our primary caregivers. We accept the love we are familiar with, and it is very likely that many unhealthy patterns might have been passed off as the norm, and you have internalized them. There is no shame in accepting your issues, going to therapy, or working on yourself. You will be a better person at the end of it, and all your relationships healthier.

Nishat Tasneem Shahara is her friends' self-appointed therapist. Rant to her at nish.nts@gmail.com