My hometown doesn’t feel like home during Eid

When people migrate out of their hometowns in search of jobs or in order to settle down, a piece of their heart always aches for not being able to live in their actual home. Eid is the time of the year when these people go back to their roots. My family is no exception in this case.

However, as much of a "homecoming" affair as it may seem, for me, this whole Eid celebration outside the place "I" call home couldn't satisfy me, ever.

My older sister and I have had to visit my paternal home to celebrate Eid, ever since we were young. The journey is long and tiring, but it feels worse because I'm not fond of that place. Whenever I go there, I constantly feel unimportant and unwelcome. Eid is meant to be the day when everyone feels and tries to make others feel festive and jolly, but whenever I step into that house, especially during Eid, the atmosphere makes me feel asphyxiated.

I feel the eyes around me judging my every move. I cannot be myself. I can never talk or laugh loudly because girls are meant to be polite and calm. When others get busy hanging out, I can only think of my friends and loved ones back in Dhaka. The thought that revolves around my mind is how wonderful it would be if I got to spend Eid with them, go about my favourite city with my favourite people.

Food is certainly a big part of the Eid celebration. People who enjoy cooking and eating indulge themselves in preparing the Eid dishes that they were looking forward to. When I'm celebrating Eid outside my home, I neither get the chance to cook my favourite dishes nor can I eat them. It may sound silly, but as a food enthusiast, it makes me really sad not being able to feed myself and others my choice of food.

Also, being a girl, always makes it a lot harder to adjust there because dealing with body negativity, along with misogyny, is very exasperating. Most of the relatives, instead of greeting and talking to me as they haven't seen me in a while, start asking about why I haven't been losing any weight and come up with various hurtful ways to ask this question. Besides, when we have meals together in my paternal home or just gather around to chitchat, my male cousins significantly get more preference and privileges, which makes the whole atmosphere utterly uncomfortable.

Whenever the Eid season arrives, I am reminded that even during Eid, no place could ever give me the joy and peace like my home in Dhaka does.

Nadeemah always wraps her head around the thought of what she's going to eat next and thinks that the glass at her bedside table is half- full. Say hi at nadeemahafrose13@gmail.com