My social anxiety is holding me back

Did you ever drink piping hot coffee, even though it's 40 degrees outside, because you didn't want to tell the barista they messed up your order for an iced drink? Yes? I can relate. 

Ordering at restaurants is nerve-wracking for people who hate human interaction. By the time I'm at the front of the line, I've rehearsed my order nearly a dozen times in my head and then I realise that the baristas are friendly, and will be asking me about my day. My voice either gives up on me or cracks mid-sentence, or I say something stupid that'll keep me up all night.

Having social anxiety encompasses many experiences for me. There were times when I patted myself on the back for saying "hello" to someone spontaneously, and there were times when I refused to go up to the stage at the holud function of a dear cousin.

I also have occasional bursts of courage that a friend of mine calls "the mom friend override", which is when you carry out all the social interactions on behalf of a friend whose social anxiety is worse than yours. As you can see, there are the occasional good days, but this lining is greyer than silver if I'm being totally honest.

Social anxiety has downsides that go beyond being dubbed the asocial oddball by elders. For example, it's always been really difficult for me to make friends in new settings, as my characteristic awkwardness is often translated as standoffishness by others. I rarely make an appearance at family functions if my favourite cousin isn't going, and half of my relatives know me as my brother's younger sister.

I owe my lack of extracurricular achievements partially to my social anxiety, thanks to which I've always avoided activities that required me to go up on stage. The one time I was forced to do an extempore speech for a competition in front of others haunts me to this day. Every now and then, my brain helpfully reminds me that I used the word "compassion" a whopping five times in five sentences that day. No, I did not win the competition, before you ask.

One of the worst drawbacks of having social anxiety is the difficulty I have in expressing affections for my loved ones, which is frustrating for them despite their understanding of my behaviour.

I've come a long way in terms of putting myself out there more. While I can take some credit for this improvement, it started when a particularly extroverted friend forcibly incorporated me into her circle and made me socialise.

For everyone who's struggling to come out of their shells – baby steps can take you a long way. Maybe ask the barista how their day is going, or drag yourself out of bed to dress up real nice and attend that wedding you don't want to go to.

Or you can keep scrolling on your phone and avoiding everyone. People aren't all that great, anyway.

Yell at Zabin Tazrin Nashita to fix her disastrous sleep schedule at fb.com/zabintazrin.nashita