The Tangents of Grief

Photo: KAZI AKIB BIN ASAD

A few months earlier, my uncle had passed away. Although him and I were not particularly close on a one-to-one basis, there was something very fatherly about the way he treated all of us children with the same demonstration of love and care. Therefore, when the news of his death reached me, I processed my turbulent emotions in a very alien-like manner.

How do you react to a person's death who you were not close to inherently, but held strong respect and regard for? Despite processing the sadness that was submerged deep inside of me, on the outside, my face remained impassive. I assumed at the time that it was normal to feel this disconnect between reaction and reality; not everyone reacts the same way, after all.

Yet, my flowing sadness elongated when I spoke to my late uncle's daughter who also happens to be my childhood best friend. As soon as I heard her cry, I felt something shift within me. The sadness which was previously submerged no longer felt abated, it was now rising in waves. I reflexively touched my cheek, expecting the moistness to make contact with my fingers. Yet, there was none. Only a feeling of utter helplessness kept building up, like an endless pool of darkness you're infinitely falling into.

This undefined emotion that I felt then is what we collectively identify as grief. Growing up, my outlook on mourning always implied a bout of sadness that produced tears. Through the years, I have come to realise that mourning is not complemented by sadness. It is moulded by grief.

In so many different moments and walks of our life, we process the emotion of grief and don't even realise it. When we finish a book that we thoroughly enjoyed reading, that familiar feeling of emptiness that settles within us is actually a form of grieving that we do. It is also interesting to note that as human beings, we are very reluctant to let go of people, places, memories and connections-- even when their journey with us ends. So when our regular emotional scale is thrown off balance, we accidentally end up in an uncharted territory. Here, we do not gush out tears or even heal overnight. We face instead a slow journey ahead, filled with an inexplicable sense of loss and existence.

When grief comes knocking on your door, momentarily, it consumes you. It sits like a hollow weight on your heart, attuning you to constantly feel as if you are sinking. Sometimes, the grief can linger for a long while, invariably becoming your seasonal companion. It often comes and goes, but it is nearly impossible to not expect a single visit of grief in our entire lifetime.

I have come to terms in accepting that not all grief can take the same form and neither can it be healed in the same way. Grief has many tangents and through each one of them, we get to take away a lesson of our own wounds and the ways to treat them right.

In such times of helplessness, my favorite mantra has now become the ever-present reminder that time heals all. Even when it feels like an eternity, we eventually do bloom once again. Inevitably, the only thing that remains continuous is time, and the changes that it brings along. So the next time you feel that insurmountable, invisible pain in your heart but are incapable to react to it, remember that this too shall pass.

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