A guide to survival according to horror movies

Horror movies are created with intentions greater than petrifying you of entering the bathroom solo for weeks, or providing an excuse to play hero as your girlfriend grasps on to you in terror. They aim to convey momentous teachings that your life and death dangerously dangle upon. 


An important take away from horror movies - practicing good hygiene is how you end up dead. Don't shower; you don't know what's waiting inside the shower, you don't know what's waiting when you come out. In fact avoid bathrooms in general. The bathtub inhabits the ghost of some girl whose mother drowned her and the foggy mirror will most definitely threaten to murder you. And if you repeat any phrase multiple times before the mirror, you're just asking for it. Be smart, avoid bathrooms. 


Don't buy the doll. Don't buy your daughter the doll. If you discover a doll in the closet of your newly purchased house, scorch the doll. Don't accept the ancient doll your grandmother passed onto you. Don't listen to the doll. Don't befriend the doll. Steer clear of dolls. 


There is without question no good reason why anyone should ever go camping. Campfire stories aren't all that amusing when you hear eerie voices outside your tent. It's not a very idyllic date when the faceless man lacerates your girlfriend's finger nails one by one. Even after watching "Friday the 13th," or"Blair Witch Project", if your insides are still tingling for some alfresco experience, pack some holy water and a salt gun along with the muffins in your picnic basket. 

The douche 

Never belittle the ghost - respect your otherworldly murderer. The cocky douche always dies the worst death. Resist saying things such as "Cemeteries don't scare me" or "Don't be a chicken, it's just the wind". It's never just the wind. It's your great grandmother's tormented twin seeking vengeance. 

Basements and attics 

An abandoned eerie locked door isn't an invitation to walk in. Never go looking for your dad's old journal in the attic alone. When the power goes out, always call the electrician. Don't go down the spooky basement or attic holding nothing buta flashlight. That's exactly what the demon wants you to do. 


The aerosol, your left sandal or your mother's porcelain vase may be apt to exterminate the roach. It's more like salt, holy water and iron rods when you're in company of the paranormal. 

Escape route

Learn how to run without falling down at really inappropriate times. It's no time to trip over the chair leg when you're being chased by Jason Voorhees. When being chased, go out the front door and not upstairs. If the ghost doesn't get to you, you'll break a limb falling out the window while fleeing. Then the ghost will definitely get to you. 

Kill it twice

In haunted situations, overkilling is never bad. Don't assume it's over. Just when the bloodied beaten protagonist escapes the haunted house and sighs in relief - BAM! Screaming, cursing, crying, blood, death. So kill it twice, or thrice - empty the whole barrel. It's never over at one go, you're not that good.

Horror movies teach you a lot about survival alongside the supernatural. So while you're watching Dabbe 7 in some near future, don't ridicule the protagonist's idiocy. Take notes.  


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