Things Not to Say on a 1st (or any) Date

Have you ever said something on a date that ruined the impression you were trying to create? I have. Several times. So who better to tell you what not to say on a first date? Or on any date. Ever. You might not have said these things anyway but SHOUT isn't about to trust in your good judgement!

“Scatter sprinkles on my bald spot and call me Morjina.” That is just weird; why would you even say that? Starting from the least obvious, this is everything that is wrong with that sentence. What if the name Morjina is a trigger for her because when she was a kid, her then-babysitter was called Morjina and she abused her? What if she is allergic to sprinkles? What if she is allergic to Morjina? What if she doesn't have any sprinkles on her at the time? What if she, like every other sane person, believes that such a romantic request is something best left until the third or fourth date? Until you can answer these questions, you won't be getting any anytime soon. You also won't be getting any anytime soon if you have to ask, “Any what?”

“You're a big guy.” Just don't say this. Research has shown that 10 out of 10 times, if your date is Bane (an international terrorist from the Nolanverse), his reply will be, “For you.” Bane enthusiasts would reply in kind, except they would first wet themselves with excitement at the opportunity to reply to such a question, especially if they are paraplegic. Even if they do retain some muscle control in their nether regions, they'd probably decide it was an occasion worth celebrating 
and cut loose, so the result would be the same.

“I write for Buzzfeed.” There is something distinctly disgusting about writing a phrase with a size 24 font, and then associating a non-relevant animated image for it below. I have to admit that yes, sometimes Buzzfeed writers use complete sentences and yes, sometimes the animated images are semi-relevant. But the important question is, “Will she understand this?” You could tell her. It's not something to be ashamed of. But maybe you should hold off on it until the time is right. Like when she thinks you're cheating on her but you're actually just a Buzzfeed writer. Or when she thinks you killed her cat but you're actually just a Buzzfeed writer who just happened to leave the door open so her cat could run into traffic.