Find Your Better Half with BrokenBiye.com

Finding your better half is a tedious job. You're supposed to grow old and obnoxious with this person, share a bed when you're not fighting over the other's family and if you're blessed enough, bring a child into a dysfunctional marriage.

Like millions of other entitled bachelors, maybe you're wondering who can help your parents make this life decision for you. Well, who else but the internet?

BrokenBiye.com is a matrimonial service that truly understands our delusional people and uses that understanding to add an extra judgmental oomph to the local marriage. Starting from compiling the bride's biodata in a more "auntie-suitable approach," to adding the right amount of mutton in kacchi before people start grouching, we take care of everything.

A nagging old uncle will almost always judge the bride's character, personality and qualifications as a human being based on words on an A4 paper, the biodata. Petty things like her preferences, educational qualifications or ambitions are not necessary. Our services will make sure you highlight the more important aspects of a bride, namely, your hometown that you last visited in 2013 or more importantly, your skin tone.

If you are, however, the kind of family that thinks education is important, we'll find an overqualified bride for your presumptuous son. With an MSc in Genetic Engineering, PhD in Microbiology and being on the verge of curing HIV, we'll make sure she's ready to leave her job and invest all her time and effort to teach the kids how to multiply. Cancer can wait, your grandchild's admission in a reputed and pretentious school cannot.

After taking care of a man-child in the form of a husband, the actual children, and some passive aggressive in-laws, if she somehow still manages to find time for herself, BrokenBiye.com will arrange a post-marital intimidation session. The mother's newfound fear of her kids choosing Commerce over Science should take care of it.

BrokenBiye.com understands what a hassle it can be to get your deviant daughter out of her existing relationship and settle for an unwanted yet financially stable marriage. Well, tune into your favourite Bangla soap opera, sit back and relax. Let us take care of the manipulation, blackmail and mental persecution as required.

We're aware of the mental trauma that you have to go through when your future mother-in-law asks you to show her how you walk. Much like a walk down the street for any Bengali girl, after the groom's family of 28 is done ogling, we'll find the right therapist for you.

So, if you've ever seen your parents scream at each other as a child and thought, "Boy, I want that in my life!", BrokenBiye.com is your one-stop (and final) destination. 

Suggest Ifti post-war Japanese literature at hasiburrashidifti@gmail.com