Excuses to use in badminton

Look, we've all been there. It starts with the shuttlecock in the air, landing near you with a seemingly predictable projectile motion. You swing your trusted racket accordingly, but then you miss the shot completely, or the shuttlecock hits the net or lands outside the court. It is pain in its deadliest form. But it is also preventable. All you need in your arsenal is a couple of excuses that are complex enough to prevent even the wittiest seventh grader from questioning their logic but believable enough to shame anyone who doubted your absolute mastery of the game. Read along.

BLAME THE PEOPLE

Playing the blame game is an integral part of street badminton. Target any of the multiple unsuspecting players or bystanders, transfer the attention to them and make them suffer unjustified loathing from their peers.

There are many ways to achieve this. Firstly, you can blame your opponents. A screech in dire times, “NOT READY!” has proven itself to be worthy excuse, especially when you miss a serve. There is no way to disprove this statement. If your local reputation is positive enough and your shout loud enough, then not only will the general consensus be that your morally questionable opponent took advantage of your unpreparedness but you may also get a retry. You can use this tactic in the middle of a rally as well, but with some added spice. For instance, you can claim that you had told them to stop the play. If they counter with a “Didn't hear it” you can say that you're a shy person and didn't speak loud enough. This response has a 100 percent success rate; people dig the introvert card.

You can also blame the spectators. Say that when you were readying your shot you were distracted by Poltu the third grader jumping around like an absolute buffoon. Everyone in the area is so tired of little Poltu's shenanigans that they won't question if he was actually jumping around or even present there. Now you have everyone talking about that time Poltu broke the local swing or brought that highly contagious disease to the locality which proved to be his demise, forgetting all about your absolute disgrace of a badminton play.

Lastly, you can let go of the last bit of humanity that you had and turn on your teammate. Shout at them for their lack of synchronisation. You can say that the shot was actually their responsibility based on the decided, mostly fictional, gameplan. Convince them that you're a formation purist and you only played the shot to save them from embarrassment. Rob the moral high ground and everyone will be too confused on how you did it to remember your very apparent miss-hit.

BLAME THE TOOLS

The one problem with blaming a person is that their sentience and self-respect will generate a counter argument. So it's safer to shift blame on inanimate objects, ones that are involved in the game. Here's how you can go about it.

The shuttlecock – way too torn to be playable, was flapping mid-air; too strong or too slow, based on where it lands; we should most definitely use that other shuttlecock which is statistically proven to yield a better result in terms of playability.

Your racket – it hit the metal, didn't you hear the very low-pitch low-volume sound; and if you don't own the racket, the grip's slippery, the frame's skewed, the string's loose, what a disgrace of a sports equipment!

The net – too high; too low; too distracting with its bright colours; too distracting with its transparent view of your ugly face, Motaleb!

The light bulbs – right in the eyes, I swear.

The court – can you really play in a court that doesn't follow the internationally standardised size and proportions?

BLAME THE ENVIRONMENT

Like your regular failing conversations, let the weather rescue you once more. Master all the elements – wind, fire, earth and water – for your excuses.

Wind's the unquestionable adversary to any outdoors badminton match, traumatising amateur players every winter. Mention how windy it was when you played the shot, indicate the slightest movement on the net and you'll have the crowd on your side.

Just like light bulbs, blame the blinding sunlight in your eyes for your mishap. It'll be difficult if you're playing after sundown, but if the crowd's eighth graders just learned about the science behind mirages, preach some gibberish on light refractions and you'll have them nodding in agreement and awe.

You can blame the inconsistent soil underneath you for fatally affecting your balance. Beware to change the topic immediately, before some hotshot remembers that one saying regarding uneven courtyards and dancing.

This one's a bit of a stretch, but you can blame the dew on the suddenly slippery ground. Tell them how it's a miracle how you haven't tripped and fallen. The confirmed influx of sympathy will overshadow the quips.

BLAME YOURSELF

This sounds counter-intuitive but hear me out. You want some other aspect of your being to replace your incompetence. Exploit some childhood trauma of yours, or a medical condition with a scary name, regardless of how irrelevant it is to the game. Remind everyone about that one time Poltu broke your favourite Beyblade, or the intricate details of your thyroid problems. Convince them that that missed shot right there was an accumulated outcome of the most unfortunate of circumstances. Hereafter, all 32907 of your disgraceful shots will be forgiven by the general populace.

Fatiul Huq Sujoy is waiting for that sweet release of public holidays to take him to exotic locations with high throwback values. Suggest him books to read during travels to make him look cool at s.f.huq11@gmail.com