House of Equals

Photos: Kazi Tahsin Agaz Apurbo

Let us first learn what a 'gender role' is.

The very basic meaning of gender roles is a set of societal rules that dictate what behaviours are considered 'acceptable' or 'appropriate' in accordance with your gender. The whole 'girls are supposed to know how to cook', 'boys are supposed to know all about cars'- all these things are socially constructed gender roles. The specifics concerning these expectations may vary significantly among cultures.

In our country's context, a married couple has some tasks fixed for them. The distinction between what a man has to do and what a woman has to do, without any biological reason, is very evident in a common Bangladeshi household. “No matter how modern the times get, we still tend to hold on to some traditions,” says Shahana Siddiqui, Programme Coordinator, Center for Gender, Sexual and Reproductive Health Rights, James P. Grant School, BRAC University, Dhaka. In this part of the world, in every home, the women are to be the nurturers and caregivers, while the men are to be the bread-winners. While this gender bias starts in a newly married couple, it passes down to the next generations. They might not have the same exact activities, but we see it evident in the way the children start behaving. Early on, boy and girl activities are seperated outdoors, fixing a gadget or throwing the ball around, while the girls are in the house baking cookies with mom, for example. Girls continue to follow their mothers' behavior while boy's shift to mimic their fathers. “But these children are also under tremendous pressure,” Shahana says. “My son, if he goes to school and shares that it's okay for him to be a house-husband, he will have to endure a lot of bullying, so will my daughter if she doesn't have the Barbie that all her classmates have. So, the changing of these mindsets needs to happen in every household, not one or two. And it will be quite the balancing act.”

In today's day and age, with the employment of women increasing, the change in such stereotypes of gender roles calls for action. As the world moves faster and our ways of life advance and progress, we tweak our day to day lives to live up to that progress. So why not change this?

“The burden of work for women increases tenfold. On the one hand, we are expected to be very educated in order to get married. Once we are married, we are expected to not put that into use and be ambitious as it will hamper the 'roles' we must play as wives. On the other hand, office timelines are very much male-centric. I will be expected not to have my family life interfere into my work life, even when it comes to giving birth to the next generation. These things need to change,” says Shahana Siddiqui.

Shahana also believes that mother-in-laws have a huge role to play. “When a son is helping his wife in the house with children, don't belittle them. Be proud! Rejoice in the fact that you have raised a respectful and considerate son,” she says, “men, if you are holding your child to help your wife, if you are cooking when your wife is tired from the day's work, if you are helping her clean up after your children and home, you are not emasculated! You are being a good husband, a great father. This trend of hyper masculinity where men think it's emasculating to work in the house needs to change- and in some households, it is changing already. So I'm hopeful.”

Doing justice to Shahana's hopes, filmmaker and husband, Ashfaque Nipun says, “Since my wife is also a working woman, I figured that after spending a hectic amount of hours in the office, it's very difficult for her to provide the same kind of energy and time at home as well. So without telling her, I try to help out with whatever I can, for the love and respect I have towards her. I don't even need credit for the work, as long as I know that it helped her,” he says, “The only thing that drives me is when I see a smile on her face or peace in her eyes after finding out that the bed is done or the food is ready. I don't consider it as ‘emasculating’ either; rather I have learned that it makes a man more attractive to his wife.”

With the changing of times and tides, it has also become difficult to maintain a family and home with one person's income. “So a husband and wife both have to work outside. If the woman is required to give equal amount of time and energy at home and outside, it will be unfair to them. Hence, the husbands should also take part in household chores and make a good family life. It will help their children to grow in a healthy environment as well,” he adds.

On the same note, Shahana believes that two values ingrained in every individual can change the status-quo easily. “Chivalry and respect are the two key ingredients. Once you learn to be respectful towards your partner, or anyone for that matter, and have a chivalrous and helpful attitude, you can have a healthy household with equal effort given and equal joy received.”