Journalists declare week-long break

While the global media is traumatised by an impending nuclear war and a lunatic running the most powerful country in the planet, the journalists of Bangladesh have declared a week-long holiday in what can only be called a shocking turn of events. The holidays come on the heels of the fight and reconciliation of the nation's two biggest superstars, following an untold pregnancy, a secret childbirth, a live TV confession and a very public patch-up, all dubbed "The Love2Hate Story".  You cannot make this stuff up, unless you are hired as a propaganda artist who hides the reality by projecting a more compelling false narrative of the world we live in.

However, the journalists, or yellow reporters as they are affectionately called, need this break now more than ever, despite possible actions that can have serious global ramifications and may need coverage. "Truth be told, when we found out about these two even having kids, it's all we could talk about. While rivers were sold and we were forced to purchase security we did not want, it was all irrelevant in view of what really mattered: the birth of a secret love-child between a married couple that no one really cares about," President of Journalist's Association, Truthful Tutul explained. "Now that this drama has gone on for so long, our journalists are tired from running after this news. It has been an emotionally draining period for us and we all need rest. The world always has their little wars but our literary and analytical prowess are spent analysing this Shakesperean drama. Nothing can beat it. Nothing can draw more users. This was our Magnum Opus," he declared. 

Detractors though point out a more nefarious agenda behind the break. "These journalists are no longer journalists. They have morphed into gossip columnists. When the front page of a national daily gives more space to a tiff between two married people than it gives to what the leader of country did on a strategically crucial foreign trip, we can only assume that something is very wrong," Transparent Tisha, the head of Opacity International Bangladesh, stated. When asked why they didn't do real things instead of constantly holding press conferences and preparing reports no one ever reads, Transparent Tisha quickly evaded the question and went back to saying whatever it is that she wanted to say. "That is a good question. But it is not an important one. Right now, we must be asking why is it that this holiday comes on the heels of a neighbour possibly poisoning our water systems and a series of events that may break out into a totally unfair war. The journalists need to pick up their keyboards and get to stroking and fast," she added. 

"It is better for the journalists, or lobbyists as one might correctly call them, to take a break. They can revisit this big superstar story, treat it as soul food and come back better. But in the meantime, it is even better for them to engage their audience. News should be about what people want to read and not what they should read," Dr. Professor General Abdul Matin, Editor of Faltu Alaap said. "Also, by audiences we mean advertisers. This week we are planning a thorough activation plan with a condom company. The campaign is called #TrustTheLust where we make a ton doing nonsense awareness campaigns by distributing condoms where they aren't needed but where the readers will possibly see our brand and read more of our papers. In the meantime, they will not have to bother with unacceptable imperialistic ambitions and the questionable state of our democracy. News needs to be soft. People should enjoy reading the newspaper," he said, adding that news should generate chuckles and not tears and it should provoke us to purchase things and not provoke thoughts or discussions.

The week-long holiday is set to begin next week. During the time, not a single reputable newspaper will be published. The online versions, though, will be active. But they have been instructed to stick to doing what they do best and that is looking for content that can go viral, regardless of their veracity. In fact, next week online newspapers will focus on the theme, "Fruits shaped like Superstar babies". The rest of the journalists though will take a long awaited break, unless they are instructed to work under special arrangements, which is will be highly likely.

Cartoon: Ehsanur Raza Ronny