Maintaining a sense of freedom in a controlling household

For most young adults, freedom isn't something they have to think about often. Going out with friends, choosing a job, how to spend their time, what to wear, or speaking their minds are just parts of life, not rights to be punished for wanting.

For some, the control their households exercise over them becomes a tool for abuse. Thus, trying to find freedom in one's life ends up becoming a lifelong journey.

Nawar E Jannat, a young professional, shares, "I face restrictions from my parents when it comes to clothing and travelling. I have a dark complexion, so my parents pick out which colour will look good on me. I am also not allowed to wear Western clothes, and when I tried to rebel, they threw away the clothes without telling me about it. I am also not allowed to stay over at friends' houses, and I am 25. It goes without saying, but I am also not allowed to go on tours with my friends."

Nazifa Annanya*, a university student, shares her own struggles, "While I understand their need to protect me, I really wish they'd at least let me travel on my own to places nearby. For example, whenever my friends and I hang out outside of our university campus, we always pick one neighbourhood close enough to everyone's homes, and yet I'm not allowed to go unless either one of my parents are available to drop me off and then pick me up. I know my way to the place and then back, I even have my own set of keys for our apartment, I have everything I'd need to travel independently, but I'm never allowed to do so, and that infuriates me."

The methods of control used by some households are severe, as Rupaalee Rishi*, a high school student, shares their examples, "I have grown up in a family that is, for the lack of better words, very driven by narcissistic and manipulative tendencies. Using the internet was out of the question. I was not allowed to exercise any form of privacy, such as a lock on my door, and they would go through my diaries and personal belongings. I was accused of being on drugs due to being extremely exhausted after bullying at school, or accused of being romantically involved when I asked for products like conditioner, deodorant, or moisturiser. I was not allowed access to medical care unless the ailments were extremely visible, because my word was never enough. The list goes on. The punishment for breaking any of their rules was physical and mental abuse."

Read more

On the nuances of discipline

The struggle for personal independence starts so early on that for some, the barriers seem impossible to overcome at a later age. "I hold back from asking for things unless I'm in dire need of them. However, when I do ask for them, my parents will try to convince me that they'll deal with it later, ignore me, or straight-up say that I don't need it. I feel like being an obedient and easy child has backfired onto me, and has made me marginalised in my own home. I want to be taken seriously, I want to be heard by more than just the four walls of my house, I want to be needed beyond what I am expected to be responsible of. I wish I could change that," says Nazifa.

Finally, for anyone going through similar experiences in a controlling household, there are some things you can do to try and work towards having a sense of identity or freedom in your home. As Rupaalee says, "As long as it's safe for you, stand your ground. Keep demanding. Don't be afraid of being a problem child if what they are restricting are literal necessities – food, toiletries, privacy, communication with peers, medicine, all the other necessities to have a fulfilling life. Most importantly, if you are going through abuse, talk to trusted adults and ask for help. Remember that you are not alone."

If you are struggling with your circumstances, Nawar offers the encouragement she needed herself, "Be resilient. It will be difficult, but I hope you never give up. I made the most beautiful memories of my life by trying a little harder every day."

*Names have been changed upon request for privacy

Nadera Naeema Ohi is an A Level student at Maple Leaf International School.