I have a 3-year-old son. He is very active and does not listen to what I say. Sometimes I end up shouting at him. Recently I also punished him few times and then felt guilty. Is it going to affect him when he grows up? What can I do differently?

- Troubled

Dear Troubled,

You need to understand the development stage of your child. During 3-5 years, children are often distractible, as the brain is highly excitable. They are interested in everything. They want to be independent. At this stage, children are learning and practicing how to think for themselves. They also place importance on things that we might consider unimportant (e.g. colour of dresses, remaining engaged in a drawing while the family is rushing to go somewhere, playing when it is time for lunch/dinner, different ways of presenting and eating food, etc). 

Please consider all these while interacting with your child, which will be helpful in resolving the conflict in a non-violent way. Shouting or punishing will not work. Moreover, it will hamper his development as well as your relationship with him. He is not trying to irritate you by being 'naughty', rather he is just experimenting with objects, as that is how children learn at this stage.

You can foster your child's confidence in his abilities by answering his questions or helping him to find the answers, and making sure he has time to play.

When parents hit their children in the name of “discipline”, children learn to “behave” only to avoid punishment, but they do not internalise why something should be done or avoided. It is very much likely that they will repeat what their parents have been trying to prevent. 

Punishment is not effective as a disciplining technique for children of any age group. Experiencing punishment as a child increases the likelihood of perpetrating and experiencing violence as an adult, which contributes to continuing the cycle of violence in society. 

Punishment causes direct physical harm to children and impacts negatively in the short and long-term on their mental and physical health, education, and cognitive development. Corporal punishment also increases antisocial behaviour, damages family relationships, and it is less likely that children learn the lessons adults want to instill in them.

A review including more than 150 studies (conducted in 2013 by Global Initiative to End all Corporal Punishment of Children) showed associations between corporal punishment and a wide range of negative outcomes, which presents a convincing case that punishment is harmful for children, adults and societies. 

Note: If you have any questions regarding parenting issues you may contact Laila Khondkar through Star Lifestyle. Mail her at lifestyleds@yahoo.com