Just being a woman

SINCE the celebration of International Women's Day on March 8, we women have been inundated with lectures and articles on how to live our lives with more dignity and be more assertive and aware of our rights as "equals of men." In the process many of us have allowed ourselves to believe that "a woman is as good as a man," without pausing to think what exactly we mean by that. What it ought to mean, I think, is that a woman is a human being with all the rights, choices and privileges of any individual.

Recently, while a few of us were in the middle of a discussion on "how to be a real woman", a female friend commented: "I am so confused trying to decide whether to be a Betty Crocker or a Virginia Woolf." Although the remark was made flippantly, it triggered an interesting chain of thought in my mind. Perhaps this is an issue that many of us "ordinary women" have to wrestle with on a day-to-day basis. If we're tough and display our strength as efficient professionals, we are termed as pushy and aggressive. If, on the other hand, we prefer to "bake cookies", people look at us condescendingly as weak and incapable of leadership. The point is, why must these choices be mutually exclusive?

In a similar vein, if women bare their emotions in public, people (both men and women) label them as crazy or blame their behaviour on "raging estrogen levels". But if they display emotional restraint, they are considered cold, heartless and incapable of maternal love – the latter being viewed as a woman's defining attribute. If a woman takes generous maternity leave, her colleagues think she is not serious about her career. And if, post-baby, she comes back to work too soon she is a poor role model as a mother. Again, if she chooses to get married and be a "stay-at-home mom" people often treat her as a doormat whereas if, by choice, she opts not to marry, with time she is referred to as an old maid or a frustrated spinster. (In contrast post-forty unmarried males generally exude power and hence are considered to be desirable both professionally and socially.)

If we women are plainly dressed we are considered "frumpy" -- many even go as far as saying that we are insulting our female attributes. But if we take special care to look nice we are vain and superficial and even suspected of getting by on our looks. Some years ago at a professional event where an elegant and attractive woman was leading a male-dominated panel, a colleague commented on how the woman had gotten ahead by using her connections and "you know what". I have never heard similar comments about the many male CEOs that are controlling the corporate world!

The point I am trying to make is that the constraints and high standards imposed on women (which men are exempted from) exert tremendous pressure on them – both socially and professionally. Women are judged against wildly unrealistic benchmarks that are not applied in the case of men. Even in politics, public expectations of male politicians and leaders are that they must be tough and strong, while women are required to be kind and compassionate. To be honest, I have no issue with this expectation since I believe compassion is a human quality that we should all possess. However, I do have a problem with stereotypes since they send conflicting signals that a man can be harsh, unkind and get away with it while a woman must never display hard qualities, even under extreme circumstances.

Why can't we women be viewed as human beings first and foremost? At the risk of incurring the wrath of hardcore feminists, I believe that over and above their professional and personal responsibilities, women need to live their lives with the freedom to be whatever they want to be. For me, feminism, as Cheris Kramarae said, "is the radical notion that women are human beings." While we are trying to struggle through our challenges and navigate a relatively narrow path, we women need more understanding of the fact that most of us have emotions, feelings, desires and aspirations like men. Of course, it's important to fight for equal rights and rail against discrimination and abuse, but we must also be allowed to express ourselves and let our feelings flow freely without generating criticism, based on gender.

We should, above all, be permitted to forge our own path professionally, socially and in our personal lives. If we choose to be only mothers – why not? After all, motherhood is a special privilege gifted to women. On the other hand, it's also fine to choose career over family if that's what a woman wants. Or even balance life between being a mother and a professional. We must stop putting women in pre-assigned slots and categories.  Let's admit that the real feminist revolution has been in the "expansion of options" for women!

The writer is a Tagore exponent.