THIS WEEK'S HORRORSCOPE
Aries
Be prepared for an aerial surprise attack from Spiderman.
Taurus
How did the elephant in the room die?
Gemini
The love of your life will call you. You will cut the line and order pizza.
Cancer
Do humanity a favour and find a cure for yourself.
Leo
Why do lions audition for National Geographic when there's HBO?
Virgo
We don't talk anymore. We don't talk anymore.
Libra
You will meet Boltu, Usain Bolt's brother.
Scorpio
Steal old Pokémon cards from your neighbour.
Sagittarius
Why is Jason Momoa's beard so pretty?
Capricorn
Work out. Because you will lose your selfie game soon.
Aquarius
Shout under water for 5 minutes. It will bring good luck.
Pisces
Sign up for the Suicide Squad after an abysmal experience at the movie theatre.
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