The Guide to Public Washrooms
For me, surviving in a public washroom requires no less skill than surviving a week in the Amazon jungle. The amount of invisible microorganisms is always overwhelming, and God forbid, there is a huge possibility of encountering the obnoxious sight of an unflushed toilet. Should you fight or flee? The first knee-jerking response would be fleeing, but in case you have been gestating that meal for quite a long time now, may God have mercy upon your soul.
The first step to surviving in a jungle is to use nature's own resources, e.g. trees. Trees have a vital role in the manufacture of toilet paper. Don't enter a toilet if you don't spot any tissue rolls. Flush and grab a huge wad of toilet paper to wipe off any unwanted debris that might be contaminating the façade of your porcelain throne. But what if there is a miniature Buriganga river within the toilet (or substances of unknown origin) and the flusher won't work? You must retreat from The Hall of Terror and, if luck is on your side, get the cleaner to do what he/she is supposed to do. If there are none, you have two options: 1) Run away choking and gagging. Hold the call of nature like you would hold the phone call of your frenemy, or 2) Keep your civilized notions at bay and let the primitiveness make you a cavalier. It won't feel natural despite being natural. But you have to show it who's the boss.
If you've gotten over the first step, now it is time to create your haven in the forest. Use the trees again, with the aforementioned technique, to create your paper protection on the toilet seat. It would be great if you carry a disinfectant spray along with you. At this stage, you need to mute your system to stop any squeals of "eww" coming out of your mouth. It's now or never.
The third step is to use another huge clump of toilet tissue to remove the evidence of your haven and flush down the remnants. If the toilet doesn't flush, sadly you can do nothing other than accept your contribution to the manifestation. In case there is a queue outside your door, make sure to close the door as soon as you come out and run away from the crime scene without making any eye contact with the victims.
The fourth step would be to clean your hands with a hand sanitizer. Congratulations, you have finally survived the 30 minute struggle of using a public washroom. Now that you have seen the importance of trees for humanity, don't forget to plant some seeds after you reach home. And next time you step out, make sure you are fully equipped for the wilderness. Or at least be in a state that doesn't require braving the wilderness at all.
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