THIS WEEK'S HORRORSCOPE
Aries
Ariel is your spirit animal.
Taurus
Ded Full is your kryptonite.
Gemini
Stop taking so many sleeping pills. You'll stay awake all the time.
Cancer
Your star sign is the latest meme.
Leo
Do you remember that name I told you to remember?
Virgo
If you disappear, are you Virgone?
Libra
Give me the cups. Now.
Scorpio
Play League of Legends with your knees between your legs, on your lap.
Sagittarius
Your Probox's turning lights will tell you the future.
Capricorn
Little people will take over your cap.
Aquarius
Put some John Oliver on your pizza.
Pisces
Cut my life into Pisces.
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