THIS WEEK'S HORRORSCOPE
Aries
Take two fresh sticks. Now rub them against your cheeks.
Taurus
Glove it before you love it.
Gemini
Good luck is usually found at the end of tunnels. Use it as you may.
Cancer
Listen to Mr. Big songs for a chance of personal and physical growth.
Leo
Don't lend your calendar to any woman today. Especially her.
Virgo
Dry your tennis balls under the ceiling fan.
Libra
Peacefully hand over all the sharp objects hiding in and around your pants.
Scorpio
Find a fighter jet. Then ask yourself why you did it.
Sagittarius
Put mayonnaise on your fuchka. It'll stave off the bad luck.
Capricorn
Dance with two Egyptian bears and teach them bio-friendly finger painting.
Aquarius
Open a bakery. Sell Mother of all Buns.
Pisces
Take care of your incoming child. Massage mayonnaise on him/her for good luck.
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