THIS WEEK HORRORSCOPE
ARIES
Buy cat food for your dog.
TAURUS
When in doubt, flip a coin and swallow it.
GEMINI
Oats work as great lubricants.
CANCER
The milk of human kindness tastes better through the nose.
LEO
Take seven pens and stick them up your sandwich.
VIRGO
Don't wait for the bus. Make the bus wait for you.
LIBRA
A barista will claim to be a guardian angel. Disregard him/her.
SCORPIO
Now is the best time to taste candle wax.
SAGITTARIUS
Lick your soap. Yes, that's what it feels like.
CAPRICORN
You are on the righteous path. Carry on.
AQUARIUS
Climb mountains. Downwards.
PISCES
A trampoline can solve more problems than they create.
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