THIS WEEK'S HORRORSCOPE
Aries
Every broken memory will know that you are a miser.
Taurus
Still not sure about your brogues? Don't be.
Gemini
How can you be so rude?
Cancer
Your star sign is literally a meme. How do you feel?
Leo
I'm not gonna tell you your future. I ain't a crystal ball.
Virgo
Give me your wedding card. Now.
Libra
Do NOT cash me ousside anymore. Use cheques.
Scorpio
Jolly good show, lad. You should be in the circus.
Sagittarius
Work out if you want to get Lay's.
Capricorn
That doesn't mean you can do anything you want.
Aquarius
Keep your coin purse full, and your heart fuller.
Pisces
Can I please catch a break? I don't like doing this anymore.
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