This Week's Horrorscope
Aries
Listen to the child inside you.
Taurus
If it smells like baby vomit, shift to Plan B.
Gemini
Find an apple and rub a grape on it. Now it's a grapple.
Cancer
Your wallet speaks louder than your soul.
Leo
Your ignorance will bring drought to your lands.
Virgo
Cake will bring luck. Inside your pockets. The back ones, specifically.
Libra
Don't take shortcuts through alleyways tomorrow. It's kinda scary.
Scorpio
A well-lit room is better than one that's lit red.
Sagittarius
Speakerphone conversations go better with stashed food.
Capricorn
Why is he eating?
Aquarius
We are not allowed to eat here.
Pisces
Please cook your own homeopathic medicine.
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