NUMBER 5: APPLE (THE BIG RED ONES)

The world spends gazillions on healthcare and medicines. Have you ever stopped and questioned why? When the answer to all our ailments is right in front of our eyes, why do we go blind? Thousands of kids battle it out every year to get into med schools when at the back of their minds they know very well that an apple a day will keep their customers away. Why do these kids need to suffer? Why do people have to buy these "innovative" expensive formulations when nature already gave us the perfect formula? When are we going to rebel against Big Pharma? We view doctors as these noble knights trying to help people in any way they can, but have they ever prescribed an apple? No. All they prescribe are false hopes and helplessness. Capitalism is our new drug.

NUMBER 4: GOOSEBERRY

Also known as amloki, this is just a misunderstood fruit. Everyone just judges it by its outer skin.  Just like Einstein said, "If you judge a fish by the way it climbs a tree, I don't know what I'm talking about, consult a zoologist." The amloki might not taste like those other overly sweet abominations but you have to give it a chance. Have you ever wondered why all those models have shiny, silky hair? It's the amloki doing its magic in those lovely Indian oils. You truly appreciate what the amloki is all about when you drink a glass of water and that sour taste turns into a sweet heavenly sensation at the back of your throat just like getting out of an abusive relationship.

NUMBER 3: PALMYRA

Otherwise known as taal, this fruit looks like an overgrown lychee and it is better than the latter in every aspect. It's almost tasteless with a hint of sweetness just for comforting the disbelievers of this almost perfect fruit. So, why is it so special? Well, the taal is a reflection of who we are as people. Do you find it to be just a watery bag of no flavour? Maybe you are just a fleshy bag of no personality. When a person puts this fruit into his/her mouth, they project themselves onto it. The taal is what you want it to be; it's nothing and everything at the same time. Discard all prejudices, accept it and accept yourself.

NUMBER 2: CUCUMBER

The cucumber is technically a fruit! Bet you didn't know that from years of useless schooling, did you? I, an intellectual, used to watch children's shows at the age of 12 just for revelations like these. Cucumbers dominate both the fruit and veggie world. This is what motivational speakers suggest everyone to be: a jack of all trades. The cucumber has no problem being covered with salt and pepper and being sold as a refreshing respite from the heat. It doesn't care if someone puts it into a salad or a broth with other veggies. It just doesn't matter when it comes to the cucumber. I wish I was that cool. It's also over 95% water, and water is life.

NUMBER 1: JACKFRUIT

Do not even dare to deny the jackfruit's excellence and contribution to our motherland. Are you a true Bangladeshi if you don't cuddle with jackfruits like they're your own sticky, smelly children? When you crack open a jackfruit with the boys, the aroma should remind you of all the sacrifices made to make this moment a reality, unless you're an ungrateful filth of a human freeloading off others' sweat and tears.Each one of those outer jagged spikes represents an obstacle we leaped over to enjoy the soft and sweet bliss of freedom. The jackfruit is a replica of the hearts of this nation: big and soft with a defensive wall so no one can bruise them.

Shoaib Ahmed Sayam tortures himself by watching fake sports and Vietnamese cartoons. Send help at fb.com/ooribabamama