This Week's Horrorscope
ARIES
Create a war council for every problem you face.
TAURUS
A bird in hand is better than two in the bush that did 7/11.
GEMINI
The nature of war is constant.
CANCER
Cluster bombs are illegal but custard bombs aren't.
LEO
That's not the only 9 millimetre on me. Wink wink.
VIRGO
Mosin-nougats are incredibly tasty.
LIBRA
Take your T-43 out for donuts at 300 feet.
SCORPIO
No scoping is not actually that bad of an idea.
SAGITTARIUS
A battle-axe is an excellent tool for the dinner table.
CAPRICORN
Why did Ivan the Terrible have no friends? Because he was flay-ky.
AQUARIUS
Jet fighters are the future of transportation.
PISCES
In the event of a nuclear armageddon, stock up on power banks.
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