This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

Any moon that rises in autumn sucks.



TAURUS

Make your mom use a guitar tuner on you.



GEMINI

If your colleague is named after a flower, apprehend him/her.



CANCER

Chenghis Khan is the original King of Kings. Triple H isn't. 



LEO

If your photo exists on Google Image Search, you're about to be famous.



VIRGO

What do you do when it was due yesterday?



LIBRA

Bella, I may be losing my job any day now.



SCORPIO

Your plus one is actually your invisible one. Have a great party.



SAGITTARIUS

Never forget to name your newborn nephew after famous Instagram cats.



CAPRICORN

Do not be blackmailed if someone asks you to accompany them to the canteen.



AQUARIUS

If you can't see John Cena, John Cena can't see you.



PISCES

The last word of the second last article on the third last page of this magazine is nice.