This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

Saccharin smiles are pretty because sugar causes diabetes.



TAURUS

Ottis Gibson wants a pre-lunch batting collapse and he has seen you.



GEMINI

Round and round it goes, until it turns back, and goes round and round again.



CANCER

Reality shows are fun to watch because reality is fun.



LEO

Yerevan is a destination that you are needed at.



VIRGO

IP addresses can't be real if the Internet isn't real.



LIBRA

Teetering on the edge of adulthood, I have made a mistake.



SCORPIO

Strontium chromate is toxic, much like that friend of yours.



SAGITTARIUS

Opal is expensive and it's an Australian conspiracy.



CAPRICORN

Video killed the rodeo star because it's a dangerous sport and you have to be careful.



AQUARIUS

Either I'm mistaken or you're amazing.



PISCES

Rebel pilots were asked to fly in formation and they did, surprisingly.