This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

Hey, what's your star sign?



TAURUS

Kiki, are you 18 yet?



GEMINI

I know what you're wishing for and the answer is NO.



CANCER

Pour the milk first while making your cereal for good luck.



LEO

He's not your wonderwall. You need to keep looking.



VIRGO

This week, the sun will rise in the east and set in the west. Only for you. Remember that.



LIBRA

Have you heard of The Rockport City Racers?



SCORPIO

Learn to play the guitar so that you can say, "Oh, I play the guitar," during conversations.



SAGITTARIUS

The answer is YES. You will not get it.



CAPRICORN

The answer is MAYBE. MAYBE NOT.



AQUARIUS

The stars are not what you think they are.



PISCES

Don't read this out loud. They're listening.