Just want to be loved: EVM
Osami Garbwell makes a spectacular return to interview the most talked about person in town: Electronic Voting Machine. The following are excerpts from the interview:
Osami Garbwell (OG): With the election today, how did you even find the time to come here?
Electronic Voting Machine (EVM): Well, there are many of me. All to make voting easier and more convenient for the masses! Plus I am digital, meaning I must be better.
OG: The current government isn't a fan of the digital, are they? Considering the sweeping bans on social media sites and even gaming sites like PUBG, how are you in their good book?
EVM: Excuse me, I am a voting machine. I don't host indecent things that will lead the next generation astray. Plus, have you even gone on reddit? Opinions and opinions. We can do with less of those in this country. Also, what rock did you crawl out from under? Have you not heard of Digital B'Desh?
OG: But problems remain with you, don't they? For instance, once a voter selects their symbol, how can they recheck to see their vote was properly placed?
EVM: You don't have to recheck it. I am telling you it is correct. Of course, please note the use of smart card. Sometimes you make stupid decisions that need to be corrected. Sometimes people do not show up or show up too late. As you have a smart card and I am a smart machine, we communicate and figure out the best for you.
OG: Wait. What are you saying?
EVM: Can we move on? Look. Paperless is the way to go. Already all the candidates are using laminated paper, destroying the environment. But I am paperless. Paperless is sexy. I am sexy.
OG (blushing): Teeheehee. Ok let's look at our mighty democratic but religious neighbour. On April 2014, during a mock drill in Jorhat, Assam, it was reported that the EVM seemed programmed to benefit the BJP. There were reports just days before the voting for the Lok Sabha elections in Jorhat that every time a button was pressed the vote went to the BJP.
EVM: Yes, I remember that. But the election commission found out that I was defective on that day. The paper they were feeding me was of sub-par quality, so I fell sick. That can happen to anyone.
OG: Yes, this pattern repeated itself in two other mock drills. Were you sick then too?
EVM: Hey are you Mehdi Hassan? Don't ask such silly questions.
OG: Teeheehee. What about the 2010 BBC report on researchers at the University of Michigan who hacked the EVM to be used in India? They even demonstrated how easy it was.
EVM: Ok lady this is not India or US. This is the Golden Bangladesh. We have 400 new TV channels. Our last two elections were incredibly fair. We have a new bridge. Development everywhere. Have you even heard about our new satellite?
OG: Are you trying to distract me?
EVM: No, please stop. (Crying) Look, I just want to be loved. I just want to be trusted. That's all I want. Is that really too much to ask? Give me a chance. I mean, sure, your future is at stake, but we both know it's not at stake in this particular election today. Guys come. Please. Pick me. Choose me.Love me.
At this the EVM stood up so abruptly the man inside him fell out. They both then picked themselves up and made a hasty exit. For Osami, it was a great comeback indeed.
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