What’s wrong with my finger?

Did the electronic voting machine fail to recognise your fingerprint? Were you told your fingers weren't moisturised enough? Were you shamed for your sweaty hands? Were you called old? The truth behind why your fingerprints weren't recognised is not that simple. Here's the truth. Brace yourself:

1. Black money: If you spend your time counting black money, then your fingers will initially stain and eventually your prints will corrode. When you scan your print in the EVM machine, it will not be recognised, but an alert will be sent to a useless anti-graft agency which has no authority to pursue you, but will do so anyway.

Solution: Fairness products can help. 2.Guitar fingers: If you are a metal head, then you know your fingers are MESSED UP. Years of strumming guitars, considering there's probably nothing else out there for you, have wrecked your fingers. Of course the EVM will not recognise your finger. Your mother won't either.

Solution: Get a new hobby, friend. 3.Finger Poker: To borrow a colloquial phrase, poking your finger into other people's affairs will certainly erode your fingerprints. The stress your finger goes through when going in and out of someone's business is unimaginable. But American scientists maintain that such action will erode your fingerprint, given the exertion it has to be put through. And you know what they say about American scientists: it maybe vague and they may be nameless, but we believe it anyway. 

Solution: Stop poking your finger into people's business.

4.Butter fingers: Even the fingerprints of the top brass can't be detected. While we aren't saying why, we can say this for sure that if you spent too much time oiling others, then your fingers become slippery and your prints lose consistency. Also sometimes, especially if you are a problem solver for someone who causes a lot of problems, you have your finger in the dyke for so long that your prints are washed away. Yes, prints do wash away according to unnamed American scientists.

Solution: Drop oil, use butter. 

5.Thumb Sucker: Do you sit and do nothing with your life but suck on your own thumb? Well you are clearly a loser and your tongue has wiped out all traces of prints from your thumb. We would recommend a life of petty crime for you, but let's face it, you can't move your behind from the sofa long enough to let the air move freely. Your fingerprints will not be recognised.

Solution: Get a job.

6.Hand Eater: Are you an uncouth person who wakes up really late and then eats polao and korma with their hand before going to vote? Do you then also lick the food off your finger? Well guess what? You just licked off your fingerprints.

Solution: Civilise yourself like us upstanding western minded people and use forks.