Bill to open up to sympathetic Bangladeshi online media instead of Oprah

"She forced me to take weeklong vacations with an ex-girlfriend. She forced me to spend days on the beach with my ex."

These are the first words we get from a snippet of an exclusive interview that a billionaire recluse gave to renowned Bangladeshi online media Awakening24bd.com. 

The billionaire recluse, who invented computers and owns all the agricultural land in the world, decided to tell his part of the divorce story to Bangladeshi media only.

His decision came in the light of Bangladeshi online media's brilliant coverage of the lover suicide case which captured the imagination of the nation.

"The Bangladeshi online portals are very unbiased in their view. They don't see gender as an issue at all. They look for the truth even when those are inconvenient and more importantly inconsequential to the reality of a situation," the man we will only refer to as Bill said during a short conversation with Satireday.

While the full interview is yet to be released, the trailers have already generated a lot of discourse on the matter with most viral videos focused on the issue.

"What did Melinda do? Why did she do it? Who are her accomplices? Let us investigate even though we have no qualifications or ability to do so properly," says a voiceover during the start of one such video.

It then dives deep into the secret marriage where Bill was emotionally-manipulated to rent out all the hotel rooms and helicopters to keep the ceremony shrouded in mystery. "She would not let anyone see us get married," Bill can be heard saying in his exclusive interview.

According to the Sexists Society of Sexists, the very fabric of their marriage steadily ripped apart starting from Event 201 – which simulated an outbreak of a novel zoonotic coronavirus transmitted from bats to pigs to people that eventually becomes efficiently transmissible from person to person, leading to a severe pandemic.

In that 2019 event, before the conspiracy theories on it would break out in the fallout of the Covid-19 pandemic which it was eerily similar to, is when Melinda really began to push his buttons.

"She kept insisting that he make more money soon, that Bezos had been beating him for years and that without richest man in the world tag, Bill needed a new thing for himself. Yes, he was the vaccine man, but what qualifications did he have for it?" a source close to the couple said.

According to him, that is when Bill began to buy farmland, accumulating 242,000 acres – the largest holding of private farmland. "She was incredulous when she heard of this. She called him a farmer and said his next step would probably be buying a soccer team in the French league," he said.

Another source close to the couple said Melinda wanted to cash out before the stock market crashed but doing so without a divorce would make her seem guilty. "If divorced, a judge could force Bill to sell his shares and thus he would not seem to have done any insider-trading. The timing for this had to be right," the source said.

Many others say that the Queen's new single status must have moved Bill to take drastic steps. "He wanted to take a book out of Megan's page and marry into royalty," said another source who managed to make Meghan a target where she was not even remotely involved.   For now, the world waits with a bated breath to see what Bill really has to say. Until the final reveal, media personnel around the world have been asked to protect Bill's privacy and censor his name and identifying details in news reports. It's not about his money, but the principle of it, really.