You think you woke me?

Woke Folk has opened its doors to the public, and offers solutions to anyone who wants to appear more woke than the person they are arguing with, especially on online platforms.

"We have long been noticing that everyone, and I mean everyone, has been jumping on the social cause bandwagon of the day," said Amijaga Tuina, CEO of Woke Folk. "They do this to appear woke and come across as caring deeply about injustices of the day."

But the tragedy, Tuina said, was that people at Woke Folk actually cared, and for others to steal the limelight from the pain Woke Folk felt for those who were actually suffering was the real injustice.

"You see, the time has come to separate those who are actually woke and those who are just jumping on bandwagons. I have been woke for so long that I don't know what year it is – can they say that?"

Tuina outlined the services they will offer to their members.

"First, you become a member by submitting a vial of crocodile tears. Then, whenever someone on your feed is making too much of a noise about a social justice issue, you contact us and then choose from a number of solutions.

"There are currently three services we offer," he said.

They are:

DEFLECTION

Suppose someone is wringing their virtual hands about, say, Australia's draconian measures against animals to curb the spread of Covid-19, you can shut that dose of self-righteousness right up with: "Hah! Nice to see so much concern about animals when people are falling off planes in Afghanistan."

Afghanistan is just the example of the day. So, let's say someone is crying about Afghanistan, then you can say: "Typical. People are dying from Covid-19 in our own country and not able to eat during lockdown, but our armchair warriors are heartbroken about reports they see on CNN, BBC and Al Jazeera."

TURN THE TABLES

On the positive side of things, some can start feeling very good about themselves by pointing out the racial and gender diversity in the cast of a western show. Contact us then, and we will help you tell them how mistaken they are. The show is basically propaganda about how great the west is, when it actually sucks. On the flip side, if someone praises a classic show which featured very little diversity, criticise that and insist that the watching public are naïve enough to believe everything they see on a sitcom.

Bottom line: nothing anyone does is right or woke – that is the credo of the true Woke Folk.

BORE THEM INTO SUBMISSION

In the rare case that someone actually makes a good, nuanced point about an issue, and you feel like you cannot help but agree – that is when our services are most valuable. Do not try to respond yourself, contact us and we will write 2200-word responses with a guarantee that no one will read that far or follow the twists of logic.

These are just three initial strategies of Woke Folk.

"It will forever be evolving as circumstances change," said Amijaga. "To avail our solutions, please mail us at uthinkuwoke@gmail.com."

Star Satireday can confirm that this is a real email address and as Woke Folk's media partner, we will be printing their woke solutions if and when you face problems during debates and contact them at this address.

Email your satire pieces, cartoons, comic strips or whatever tickles your funny bone to starsatireday@gmail.com and you too may have something to show for wasting your time