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Satire

Boyfriend caught lying about believing in horoscopes

An illustration of a couple facing away from each other with stars and constellations in the background
Design: Fatima Jahan Ena

A long-term relationship in Dhaka ended in heartbreak after the girlfriend found out her boyfriend had been lying about believing in horoscopes the entire time. After multiple trials and errors, Raisa, Capricorn, thought she had found her perfect man in Shadman when he claimed that he was a Virgo. Raisa had been under the impression that Shadman also seemingly believed our fates and personalities were dictated by fireballs floating in the sky. However, as Raisa's fireball-determined fate would have it, Shadman was reportedly lying since day one of their relationship. 

"For years, I was in search of my perfect man, who happens to be Harry Styles. But since that's not a realistic probability, I had no choice but to settle for Bengali men. So, personality and good looks were out of the equation. Yet, all I ever wanted is for a man to share the same illogical ideologies as me," whimpered the victim Raisa Alam, "My previous boyfriend was also a liar. He claimed that he was a flat earther and denied all fundamental scientific theories. However, after I found a globe at his house, I realised he'd been lying to me as well."

"After I broke up with my previous boyfriend, I took a much-needed break from dating," continued Raisa, "I realised I needed to concentrate on my personal growth and spirituality by cutting off all toxicity from my life. Relationships can't define me! I quit social media, gathered all my friends to let them know that I was done with men. A week later, Shadman and I started dating."

Meanwhile, the accused Shadman Sakib showed no sign of remorse in his press conference, "When Raisa said she was a Virgo on our first date, I thought she was talking about her favourite Pokémon. Growing up, I loved the show and I was very excited to finally meet a girl who was a fan as well. So, I told her, 'Baby, you can be a Charizard and I'd still love you the same!'"

"Later on, I realised she was talking about horoscopes," continued Shadman, "While science rolled in its grave, I realised I had to do the right thing. I instantly lied about me being a Virgo or whatever astrological sign she was into and made up a birthday. I have 3 birthdays now: my real one, my NID one and my horoscope one."

When asked why he decided to lie about it, Shadman laughed, "For starters, look at me. A miserable engineering student with zero personality or sense of humour like myself has only one way to a girl's heart, and that is deception. Science can only bring me this far but the rest of the journey? Believing in horoscopes would have to do. Flat Earth, horoscopes, pixies, unicorns, what have you. Heck, I'll even pretend to believe in democracy if it helps me get a girlfriend."

Remind Ifti to be quieter at hasiburrashidifti@gmail.com

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Satire

Boyfriend caught lying about believing in horoscopes

An illustration of a couple facing away from each other with stars and constellations in the background
Design: Fatima Jahan Ena

A long-term relationship in Dhaka ended in heartbreak after the girlfriend found out her boyfriend had been lying about believing in horoscopes the entire time. After multiple trials and errors, Raisa, Capricorn, thought she had found her perfect man in Shadman when he claimed that he was a Virgo. Raisa had been under the impression that Shadman also seemingly believed our fates and personalities were dictated by fireballs floating in the sky. However, as Raisa's fireball-determined fate would have it, Shadman was reportedly lying since day one of their relationship. 

"For years, I was in search of my perfect man, who happens to be Harry Styles. But since that's not a realistic probability, I had no choice but to settle for Bengali men. So, personality and good looks were out of the equation. Yet, all I ever wanted is for a man to share the same illogical ideologies as me," whimpered the victim Raisa Alam, "My previous boyfriend was also a liar. He claimed that he was a flat earther and denied all fundamental scientific theories. However, after I found a globe at his house, I realised he'd been lying to me as well."

"After I broke up with my previous boyfriend, I took a much-needed break from dating," continued Raisa, "I realised I needed to concentrate on my personal growth and spirituality by cutting off all toxicity from my life. Relationships can't define me! I quit social media, gathered all my friends to let them know that I was done with men. A week later, Shadman and I started dating."

Meanwhile, the accused Shadman Sakib showed no sign of remorse in his press conference, "When Raisa said she was a Virgo on our first date, I thought she was talking about her favourite Pokémon. Growing up, I loved the show and I was very excited to finally meet a girl who was a fan as well. So, I told her, 'Baby, you can be a Charizard and I'd still love you the same!'"

"Later on, I realised she was talking about horoscopes," continued Shadman, "While science rolled in its grave, I realised I had to do the right thing. I instantly lied about me being a Virgo or whatever astrological sign she was into and made up a birthday. I have 3 birthdays now: my real one, my NID one and my horoscope one."

When asked why he decided to lie about it, Shadman laughed, "For starters, look at me. A miserable engineering student with zero personality or sense of humour like myself has only one way to a girl's heart, and that is deception. Science can only bring me this far but the rest of the journey? Believing in horoscopes would have to do. Flat Earth, horoscopes, pixies, unicorns, what have you. Heck, I'll even pretend to believe in democracy if it helps me get a girlfriend."

Remind Ifti to be quieter at hasiburrashidifti@gmail.com

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