We've all had to deal with brats. Some of us, particularly 'tutors', are cursed with having to deal with them on a regular basis. What makes handling these little monsters so difficult is that there's always something preventing us from 'disciplining' them. So I'm going talk about how you can deal with brats even with all these invisible shackles placed on you.

I'm just going to quickly explain everything that doesn't work. Exorcising these devil spawns is a fruitless effort. "No negotiating with terrorists" is an international standard you will abide by, no matter the number of airplanes these bearded munchkins fly. Pretending the problem isn't there doesn't make it go away. What you must do is takes this snot-nosed, slobbering bull by the horns. All of this is metaphorical, of course.

This is war, soldier, and you must know thy enemy. For each suffering they can inflict upon you, there is a preventive measure you can take.

Brats climb up furniture, especially shelves which are in danger of toppling over. Keep chairs in front of shelves to prevent the toppling. Also, if people are sitting on chairs they block the climbing route. Chairs also make climbing too easy and deter the adventurous ones.

Brats flick light switches on and off. They are cruel, heartless beings. Evacuate epileptics from the area. Scream into the brat's ear, say the dark scares you and you can't stay without light.

Brats are domestic pirates and they register everything in their sights as their property. Every man's showpiece is some brat's plaything. You'll need help for this. Let brat see you conversing with person telling them how much you love X item. Have person touch X item. Assault person and make sure brat sees. Say something like, "…kill somebody if they touch this," in case the message wasn't clear enough. The same solution can be used for brats who mess up cakes at parties. They take off pieces or stick their finger in. I will have none of this. The cake is sacred and you don't touch the cake prematurely.

Some of the older brats have think-organs which have matured to form opinion (singular). The opinion is that "I'm right." This isn't so much harmful as it is annoying. Laugh at them. Reach deep inside and pull out the most hurtful, cutting remarks you can come up with. Not only will it shut them up, it might even cure their behavioural issues.

They will scream and throw a tantrum. Could be because they're not getting what they want or it may be for no reason. Squirt water from a water-gun into their mouth. Tell them its cockroach juice.

You notice how none of my solutions involve telling them to simply stop? That's because insubordinate brats do not recognise the authority of your punk-bottom. But fixing that isn't a problem. This could solve all your problems effectively. This is how I deal with brats.

I simply tell them to stop. Does it sound simple? Whatever adverb gave you that idea? You have to maintain sternness in your voice and seriousness in your character. Be scary. Don't let yourself be seen laughing or smiling, lest you break character. Appearances play a part too. Men should wear black full-sleeved shirts and need to grow a goatee. It is the ultimate evil facial hair (that SHOUT can endorse*). Women need to wear an apron and carry a big knife. Wave it about a little when making demands. Use it to point at them. So, now if they listen to you all your problems could be solved.

*SHOUT does not endorse Hitler-'staches, soul-patches or neck-beard.