It is common knowledge that most ministers find their electoral promises untenable. This is why: they guarantee the unattainable. But I am beginning my subtle campaign with a pledge to fulfil some of the more simple undertakings.

The world has trended towards moneymaking since currency was invented and therefore, my first bet is on the shipping ministry dealing with imported cars. If I were appointed its boss, I would ensure that they came through the port without horns. Drivers of all educational levels blow the horn whenever they are behind the steering. Some do it to move rickshaws into the sky; others because they are floating in the sky with a foot on the pedal but none on the ground. To put an end to the deafening sound pollution, we have to update the LAW.

If I were to be invited to be a minister of LAW, I would train myself to shut up at crucial points. I would only speak when spoken to. I would be extremely courteous to all institutions of the state. I would be extremely careful that my loose utterances do not jeopardise the process of discerning right from wrong. My statement should not reflect the condition of my mental HEALTH.

If I were to be sworn in as the minister of HEALTH, I would immediately get admitted to a reputed medical college, private or public, because I would want to be able to understand the psyche of the professionals who I would have to administer, to feel their need (as I would be looking after their welfare), and to understand the technicalities of the services that they ought to provide. My ministry would advocate the policy that healthy life can be derived from partaking in SPORTS.

If I were to be given the charge of the ministry of SPORTS, I would be offered the post only because I ran 100 metres in my school sports and was a regular spectator of the metropolis football league matches. After the debacle on 23/3, I would personally impose on our cricketers the need to understand the difference between heroics before scoring two winning runs from three balls and just nudging the ball to become 'tigers' after winning the match. West Indies showed last Friday that they took lessons from our EDUCATION.

If I were to be flying a flag on my car as minister of EDUCATION, I would ban drivers from stopping their vehicles two metres from the school gate and then getting down to open the door for the lady inside so that she could disembark and trudge the distance of a few steps to pick up her son, while fifty vehicles behind them go crazy in a jam created out of nothing. To add to the civil woes, the driver will wait for her to get back into the car, or at best snail drive looking for parking space, while another one hundred cars join the honking orchestra. It is no different when such owners visit a market for COMMERCE.

If I were to be sitting in the cabinet as minister of COMMERCE, I would import lots of backlights and front lights, lots of them, so that our buses could afford to buy them. I would also initiate annual awards to honour city bus drivers for discerningly grazing the others' vehicles only on the sides, and despite no break lights, almost never ever hitting each other front to back; it's different on the highways. That calls for another award, but the m/o food could launch that, because it would be in recognition of the excellent eyesight of the vegetable-consuming drivers who can see a bus coming to a halt without any imported brake lights. I am not opting to become the food boss because we have surplus. To showcase such talent, we could expand our TOURISM.

If I were to be offered the helm of the ministry of TOURISM, I would ensure that every tourist, whether arriving at Hazrat Shahjalal or Benapole or at any other PoE, would be gifted a lungi (ladies also love to wear them) and a ripped open jackfruit in summer, and salted hog-plums in winter to taste first-hand with their fingers the finer qualities of Bangladeshi life. And they do come to savour those local delicacies, you know. In fact, we could amaze visitors with any product of our AGRICULTURE.

The success of the 'fruits with foreigners' campaign will definitely increase my chances of heading the m/o AGRICULTURE. I would then want to put a stop to the brick kilns because of their adverse effects on the environment, what with every new venture eating away more arable land. However, with new buildings being inevitable in a country surging ahead, I will have two options: encourage my industries cabinet colleague to set up plants for cement/concrete blocks or request for a change of portfolio to the environment ministry. In the latter position, I can intimidate the agro minister for damaging the ecosystem, a sustaining issue in countries FOREIGN.

As FOREIGN minister, my first task would be to make our embassies and high commissions better furnished and cleaner than the residences of our envoys (diplomatic and non-diplomatic). Being just the reverse in many cases, at present they present a rather poor first-hand impression of our country. You will have heard of many potential tourists deciding against a trip after visiting the Bangladesh mission. And not all ambassadors can afford to invite every intending tourist over for a meal at their residence.

The above narration is testimony that almost anybody can lead any ministry. Overnight a non-entity on a subject can become an expert, and more alarmingly, the deciding factor.

And you are still wondering why I have never been sworn in.

The writer is a practising Architect at BashaBari Ltd., a Commonwealth Scholar and a Fellow, a Baden-Powell Fellow Scout Leader, and a Major Donor Rotarian.