Why we need personal boundaries
It is one thing to have a kind heart, but to allow everyone to take advantage of that is never advisable.
Once, on a lunch date with a friend, I had an epiphany: My problem is that I do not know how to say "no" to others. I always feel compelled to please everybody around me and feel the need to be accepted even by a stranger I met a few hours ago. There is an unsaid clinginess that makes me want to be a martyr and accommodate every call, just so someone likes me and holds my hand. I also end up prioritising my responsibilities too much at the cost of my mental peace. And this behaviour has now become a menace for myself.
My counsellor explains how, if my boundaries are open and I always give in to others, I am seeking validation from them. In turn, I am not giving myself the respect I give to others. Essentially, I am elevating their needs above my own, and it is not a healthy thing to do.
Just by confessing this, I realise how bad these habits are. This drains me of my enthusiasm for life. Bad days, financial fiascos, sadness, or ill fortunes are all part and parcel of relationships. But you also cannot solve every such issue for the other person/s in a given relationship. You must allow the other one to take responsibility and not be a cushion every time they fall or fail.
In my personal opinion, these are the repercussions of subtle, deep, and wounded emotions that have laid unresolved in the abyss of our minds, which is a dark, unexplored entity by itself. It determines our emotional, social, and behavioural needs. If, as a child, you were harshly criticised by your parents or guardians, it gives rise to a constant need to be recognised or appreciated in adult life. If your parents had low self-esteem themselves, you may unknowingly mimic that feeling in your social life too.
Most people feel an unspoken need to belong to a certain group, usually one in which you believe you do not belong. It is then that you cross your healthy boundaries and try to bribe your way into acceptance.
Our unresolved issues emerge at the oddest possible times and places, and throw us off-guard. An accommodating nature, at the cost of our self-respect, pulls us into a trap of giving just a little bit more over and over, until we have given away far too much.
It is crucial to be able to say "no" and also accept when someone else says "no" to you. It is one thing to have a kind heart, but to allow everyone to take advantage of that is never advisable.
I myself have a porous boundary. As such, I overshare personal information, get too involved in others' problems, and fear rejection in not complying with others' requests, among many other habits.
Just by confessing this, I realise how bad these habits are. This drains me of my enthusiasm for life. Bad days, financial fiascos, sadness, or ill fortunes are all part and parcel of relationships. But you also cannot solve every such issue for the other person/s in a given relationship. You must allow the other one to take responsibility and not be a cushion every time they fall or fail.
Whatever happens, do not compromise your values for the sake of others; and learn to respect your own mind. We must all impose a certain set of personal rules in all our relationships. We must know when to clip off the umbilical cord between a mother and her child or how to establish personal space between romantic partners, and so on and so forth.
Raffat Binte Rashid is features editor at The Daily Star.