Cricket board plants landmines in pitches, it backfires

With an aim to improving their country's prospects in Test cricket, the Cricket Board of This Country (CBTC) planted landmines in their pitches, but the ploy has only served to maim several of their own batsmen.

The CBTC President Hasnul Mizan Kanchon hatched the idea a month ago, after many failed attempts to give This Country's bowlers some sort of venom so that they could win Test matches consistently at home. The last straw was when the East Indies sent a second-string side and still managed to win.

Knowing that the Indies are weak against spin, the CBTC prepared pitches that suit This Country's spinners, also thought to be the strength of the home side.

The Indies won chasing 395 on what was a worn fifth-day wicket.

That snapped one of the few remaining neural connections in Kanchon's brain.

"We gave them flat wickets when they could not bat. Then we gave them pitches that offer sharp turn when they could bowl a bit and bat a bit. But still they lost, because even the Indies' second team can bowl a bit better and bat a bit better," Kanchon raged at journalists.

"So, we planted landmines," he continued in a high-pitched, nasal voice. "And only they [This Country's bowlers] knew where the landmines were on the pitch. Now don't get me wrong, these were only mild landmines, equipped to cause slight injury but not the serious stuff you see in wars. That would not be cricket."

The rest, of course, is history. After the loss to Indies, This Country's next assignment, on the landmines, was against newly promoted Test nation Iredesh. It turned out that there were only two spots on the pitch with landmines, and across 600 balls, the home team could not land one on the mark.

Iredesh on the other hand, landed one by accident, injured the team's top batsman, and kept hitting the mark, resulting in another humiliating defeat.

"We are now mulling many more landmines…let's just have a shootout," Kanchon barked, and waddled out of the press briefing.

In other news, a CBTC board member was fired for suggesting that the board actually build sporting wickets and groom better bowlers in the lower-level domestic competitions.