Deprived of parents’ love, cop keeps taking it out on civilians

In a recent development of curious events in the city, a local policeman, on multiple occasions spacing out in different timelines, was found beating the excrement out of students.

In fact, the policeman's love for assault runs so deep that even his fellow officers are not spared.

The occasional elbow in the gut, jabs across the jaw, an uppercut in the abdomen and of course, the mandatory slap across the face – all seem to be his popular moves unleashed on peaceful crowds.

Additional Brutality Commissioner (ABC) Marum-Ek-Ghushi is a man who time and time again has proved worthy of his title.

"Growing up, I've always dreamt of getting this job, and now I'm doing what I love, ALL the time," said Marum, when asked why he took on this role.

"My father's taught me everything I know. I owe my entire career to him honestly. It's just a shame we only have batons to discipline those pesky brats these days. Growing up, I've experienced better results from far more efficient tools," he said.

A man dedicated to his cause to serve, Marum has always made an effort to find new ways to set examples for "crowd control" for officers under him.

At the site, he was seen doing demonstrations for a few of his officers who were new to the role. "First you grab them from the back by the collar – you get the best results when they don't expect it," said Marum. "Be sure to wear a mask around the jersey-wearing ones. They usually slip out of grasp with their stink."

When asked about his favourite memory of police brutality, the ABC said, "I particularly enjoy beating up university students. Flaunting their youth, always complaining about everything, thinking they're sooo great!

"'Give us better healthcare, safety. Lower the price of essentials'…always complaining," said Marum, mocking protesting students.

"We're proud of the work we do here and we only want to keep doing better in the future. I exert force only to minimise public suffering," said Marum-Ek-Ghushi.