A humane war by Putin, not wanting to put-out anyone

The following is a note sent to Satireday by Russian President Vladimir Putin. We did not ask for it, but his mail entered our inbox anyway. We are running it because Putin has always been to journalists what he has been to bare-chested horseback riding -- killing it!

My reputation in the West is lamentable, but let's just look at the facts here. How many wars have I waged? Have I gone into Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria? Shut up, fact-checkers!

Okay, I promised the man in the mirror that I wouldn't lose my composure. Other than the fact that there is a man living in my bathroom mirror, life is pretty good, so there is no reason to be angry.

The point of this note is that not only is life good, but I am good. Has any other ruler done what I did? Listen, we are all pretty much the same – Bush, Obama, Trump, Biden, me. We all get a hankering for some bombing.

But you know where I am different? My war, or liberation exercise, is against a white, majority Christian country. I could have full on launched an offensive against a middle-eastern country, but because I care about the humanity of war, I chose Ukraine.

I told residents of that country to leave their homes, why? Because when white mixes with white, you still get white. That is why Bulgaria, Moldova, Romania will welcome them with open arms.

These people are intelligent, they are educated people. This is not the refugee wave we have been used to, people we were not sure about their identity, people with unclear pasts, who could have been even terrorists.

So, remember, I have waged a humane war, unlike my more celebrated Western counterparts.

My name may be Putin, but I don't want to put anyone out.