Police declare all cases solved and shift focus to bad singers

Daha Mrittu Politan Police (DMPP), in a press conference this week, announced a radical shift in policy as all pending murder cases were declared solved. 

"With the unprecedented resolution of 29 years' worth of backlogged murder cases, 4,567 cases of grand larceny, and about 7 million cases of assault, the DMPP is now free to address the more pressing ills facing society," said DMPP Commissioner Fine-al Qudrot, RPM (.rar), TSP, DDT, FTW.  

"The DMPP will now take up the responsibility to become the defender of arts and culture, and as you all have already observed, our first operation concluded recently with the apprehension of Zero Alam," Fina-al Qudrot continued. 

Answering a reporter's question, the highest police officer in the city exclaimed, "He is not a hero, he does not look like a hero. The name 'Zero Alam' better captures his place in society." 

But things changed when civil society members pointed out the plight of arts and culture in our country. Traditional music was being sung by musicians of subpar quality and absent training, whereas trained musicians with 70 years of experience and 14 generations of uninterrupted privilege are unable to find a proper platform to present their arts. Many are reduced to sitting on their feather beds counting their generational wealth. Commissioner Qudrot

When asked about what the future holds for DMPP, the commissioner responded, "At first we thought we'd take a year off, just to find ourselves. We floated the idea of a trip to Canada, many of us thought we might go to Newfoundland to find our children. 

"But things changed when civil society members pointed out the plight of arts and culture in our country. Traditional music was being sung by musicians of subpar quality and absent training, whereas trained musicians with 70 years of experience and 14 generations of uninterrupted privilege are unable to find a proper platform to present their arts. Many are reduced to sitting on their feather beds counting their generational wealth," said Commissioner Qudrot.  

At this stage, he introduced the commanding officer who would be leading this operation, ADC Kaiser Wilhelm II.  

"I have led many investigations in my career in the DMPP, starting from the dual murder of two young girls in their own home last month, all the way back to the death of the German Empire at the hands of the Triple Entente in 1918. But this is by far the greatest challenge I have faced to date, as well as my most important responsibility," ADC Kaiser said, holding back tears.  

He managed to get a hold of himself when Fine-al Qudrot told him to stop crying like a little child, and explained the objectives of this operation, and the broad strategy his team would follow to achieve them. 

"We don't want to give up too many details as that would alert the enemy, but here are the most important bits," Wilhelm II said. 

 "We have shocked the enemy with the apprehension of Zero, and will now move on to some of the worst singers we have seen thus far. Shitma is a name familiar to those who were alive in the late 2000s, and we will begin by interrogating her in relation to Bashiwala and other crimes. Popular singers like Hatsan and Labam will be brought in for their solo careers, but it is expected that a deal might be struck with them because of their contributions with the bands White and Peacefaze respectively. We had been asked to take a look at AcceptRafa for his involvement with a cover of Har Kala, but it is understood that the jury is still out on that one," elaborated Wilhelm II.  

As evil society members present in the audience vigorously nodded their heads in approval, some to the point of straining their necks and requiring medical attention, a reporter shouted out the name of Dr Shahfuzur Rahman, musician, media personality, and chairman of TTN Bangla. At this, the ADC smiled and said, "We will let time take care of that."  

Commissioner Qudrot stepped up to the podium to say that this is only the start.  

"We will be expanding the scope of our operations in the future, by targeting bad artists in other fields, such as acting."

This reporter asked the commissioner whether Antaheen Khalil, for his involvement with multiple terrible movies, would be brought in for questioning. 

"Antaheen Khalil is a respected businessman with a lot of money, thus he was not a part of the complaint made by members of civil society and he will not be a target of this investigation. Moreover, he is fair-skinned, which is most important and precludes him from any involvement in bad art," said the commissioner.