THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

ARIES
Don't ignore the early signs of mad cow disease.

TAURUS
No amount of kissing Kendall Jenner's poster will make you a good kisser.

GEMINI
Sing Taher Shah's Angel to your crush today. She secretly relates to it.

CENCER
You'll find the love of your life in the gym today. Might be a good idea to join one ASAP.

LEO
Eating all those Glazed doughnuts will fill the aching void in your heart.

VIRGO
Wear a red cape to work today.

LIBRA
If your boss asks you to take off that red cape, tell him to buzz off. #Empoweryourself

SCORPIO
If anyone can rock those dreadlocks, it's you, pal. Cultural appropriation, pfft.

SAGITTARIUS
Go out and make a friend today. Time to step out of your anti-social comfort zone.

CAPRICON
Start making the funeral arrangements for yourself. You might need it sooner than you think.

AQUARIUS
If you like it then you should've put a ring on it.

PISCES
Don't you just hate it when the girl you're meant to marry won't even add you on Skype?