THIS WEEK'S HORRORSCOPE
Aries
You are to your family what this December is to all winters, a disappointment.
Taurus
Of all the glands, there are two I love the most and they are the same.
Gemini
Up above the world so high. Impressive altitude, captain!
Cancer
Silicon is the best element if you've never heard of germanium.
Leo
Eating stuff off the ground is fun; anyone who tells you otherwise has obviously always had plates.
Virgo
X-ray when you are hurt. I wish you were alive, Kurt.
Libra
Young and revolutionary zebras are about to rise up and stop the crossings.
Scorpio
But wouldn't it stop being education if you had fun?
Sagittarius
Immensely talented people are annoying because they can do things.
Capricorn
This is 2016. And that is all the logic you'll need to win an argument this month.
Aquarius
Call me when you're lonely because I won't pick up and you deserve that sadness.
Pisces
Hate is only powerful if you can insult the people in rhyme.
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