THIS WEEK'S HORRORSCOPE
Aries
Your peanut will get larger. Make sure to avoid allergic reactions.
Taurus
While crossing the road, make sure to protect the seat of your pants.
Gemini
Go to a kebab shop kitchen with your family. Stare into the coal and say "It's lit, fam."
Cancer
The vape nation's ambassador will call you for a quick meeting. Don't rip your trips.
Leo
Eating with 4 hands is faster than eating with 1.
Virgo
Your eyes will water. Make sure the seeds are planted well before that.
Libra
Watch a Brazil vs Portugal match. Be sure to snigger at the scoreboard.
Scorpio
If you like eating squid, know that a wet spider is practically the same thing.
Sagittarius
A long stick still hurts no matter how smooth it is.
Capricorn
Your 6th sense's flower will bloom this summer. Beware of premature deflowering.
Aquarius
Make 8 equal sized cups. Now sniff them. Yes, just like that. Mm.
Pisces
Get a job, man.
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