This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

Bottled water is good if you want to look fancy. 



TAURUS

Can we have a better version of fries in Dhaka? 



GEMINI

I want you for the dank side of the Horse. 



CANCER

I flipped and fell off a balcony. 



LEO

Steering wheels are great cake-shapers. 



VIRGO

Use spoons for art. 



LIBRA

A lost cause is lost for a reason. 



SCORPIO

Sometimes we want the underdog to win. 



SAGITTARIUS

Sometimes we want the villain to win. 



CAPRICORN

But what determines who gets the last laugh? 



AQUARIUS

Who dictates the intricacies of conflict anyway? 



PISCES

Why am I rambling about something so trifling?