This Week's Horrorscope
ARIES
Why do you think "bottle" is a funny word?
TAURUS
Always mention the street orientation in your CV.
GEMINI
Ask for Maximum if you want 1 litre of water.
CANCER
You might get paid to write for newspapers like this. Might.
LEO
Go to the doctor and get all memories of John Cena removed from your head.
VIRGO
The more birthdays you celebrate, the longer you'll live.
LIBRA
What keeps fallin' on your head?
SCORPIO
Jumping on the sun won't take you to "Dancing with the Stars".
SAGITTARIUS
Did you know? No, you did knot.
CAPRICORN
Open our mouth so that your soul might leave.
AQUARIUS
Turn the pages of the album and tell me what you see.
PISCES
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