This Week's Horrorscope
ARIES
Melted chocolate can be lethal if put in the right place.
TAURUS
Unperturbed by jests, the fat man walked on. Because cardio works.
GEMINI
"So you think you can lance" would have been THE reality show in medieval Europe.
CANCER
Little by little, the light inside you dies. Forget to pay your electric bill?
LEO
I wish there was a better way to say this but there are things you want but aren't good enough for.
VIRGO
My belief is that the earth is flat. It's a vinyl spinning around in space, one that plays Ali Gster songs.
LIBRA
Tigers aren't that impressive. I mean, stripes aren't awfully trendy.
SCORPIO
Excited for the impending arrival of a season? Are you sure you can trust the sun?
SAGITTARIUS
Roses would lose nine out of ten fights against marigolds.
CAPRICORN
Revolution is just around the corner, but the world is round so….
AQUARIUS
Obesity is a state of mind. It is a medical condition foremost, but also a state of mind.
PISCES
Results day is the best day for self discovery. Are you stupid, or useless? Let's find out.
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