Alvi just devoured a bucket of fries by himself. Pulling his leg, his new friends asked him if he wanted to order some extra wedges. With a poker face, Alvi replied, "Sure, why not?", as his friends' mouths hung open. He smiled internally. They didn't know his secret. He was always hungry. 

Do you harbour a secret like that? Do you think your stomach is a bottomless pit? Are you hungry and proud? Then this one's for you. If not, then this one's for you too. 

1. You turn to food during tough times

On a dark, gloomy day when you are floating deep within the cosmos of your brain, looking for the reason to go on and finish the due term paper, it comes to you as an epiphany that doughnut is the answer from the universe. You reward yourself with one after you finish the paper, and everything makes sense again. Food is the best therapy and you don't really understand how depression and chips can coexist in this world. 

2. You get overly excited about new restaurants and food deals

Your calendar gets booked right away as soon as there is a new restaurant opening in town. You pretend to be a food connoisseur while visiting eateries and can't stop with your "constructive criticism" or compliments, much to the dismay and rolling eyes of your friends. You practice the dialogue, "I'd like to meet the chef", for someday you wish to use it with the utmost panache. You have all the monthly food offers memorised and make sure to tag everyone you know in the social media posts only to find out they have blocked you. However, life's still good as you are a known face and celebrated in trendy burger places like Checkout and Sadchef. 

3. You start having a relationship with food

You don't ever have to be hysterically daft and insecure about food not loving you, unlike your weekly-changing soul mates. It pampers you and proves its love by making you rounder and glowing in all that "love weight". While out on a date, you take suggestions on what to order rather than what to wear and once there, you can't stop conversing about the food, and sometimes with it. To make your date less awkward, you crack a pun or two saying, "I'm a crepe, I'm a weirdough…" Being an impulsive little soul that you are, you always tend to follow your heart and every time it leads you to the kitchen, but you don't mind. After all, no one wants to look back with regret and wish, "If only I could have eaten that." 

4. Food starts dictating your behaviour 

This is the part where you basically adopt Gollum-like traits and treat every food you love as your "precious". Major trust issues arise when you come across people who do not like biryani. Your peers soon learn how one should approach you if you haven't eaten: one shouldn't. Gradually, rising above commoners, you start following a new philosophy that eating has nothing to do with being hungry. When your mother says it's time to shed a few kilos, you try to limit your food intake the whole day, only to start binge eating at midnight like an unsupervised kid in a candy shop. At weddings, you are spotted sitting with various groups to feast numerous times. You finally start seeing why madness is often confused with love. 

5. You go official with food in social media   

Your food posts are always uploaded with captions like, "My bae > your bae, I want you forever" and other cheesy cringe-worthy lines. Depending on the kind of food lover you are, you will either turn your edibles into foodstagram models by taking a zillion pictures from unimaginable angles, or the food item will go straight to your mouth after it arrives. You don't show off your beloved to the world like the protective lover that you are. 

If you relate to any of these signs, you can have all my condolences but not my pizza. Now, excuse me while I go watch some videos of molten chocolate oozing out from a cake and salivate my insides out. 

Iqra suffers from wanderlust, dreams of discovering the Loch Ness Monster and occasionally complains about Economics. Send her noodles at iqralaqa@gmail.com or www.facebook.com/iqra.l.qamari