HOW TO BE ELAKAR BORO BHAI

Have you ever been bullied or beaten up in school? Do people think of you in a condescending manner? Are you lonely? Do you want society to improve with the help of your excellent leadership skills and hand-to-hand combat? Then I have just the right profession for you, my friend. You need to be a bhai, and not just any bhai, a BORO bhai. 

While you might have younger siblings, this bhai is a bit different from that bhai. The BORO bhai needs to take care of all the injustice that occurs in his living vicinity, by hook or by crook. He has huge responsibilities on his shoulders and the job doesn't pay much. But it's not easy to be the people's hero, only determined individuals can sacrifice their time and leisure for the betterment of the elaka. You'll require the trust of your people – and the power – which you can't acquire by just drinking that energy drink. Hopefully, with my advice, you'll be the legend that strikes fear into the hearts of your enemies and at the same time earn the respect of your subordinates.

Appearance is a big part of the profession. Just like businessmen wear suits and ties, you have to wear your attire as well. This is what you have to do: go to New Market and buy chequered shirts with florescent colours, a pair of shades, metal bracelets, necklaces and shawls. You might be wondering why you need these clothes and accessories, let me explain. The shades hide your eyes. If your eyes aren't always covered, they show the vulnerabilities in your heart. You need a shawl because it camouflages you like a mysterious mist and people fall into a perpetual condition of suspense thinking about what might be inside. The fluorescent shirts are for when things go down and dirty. When you're about to engage in a fight, unravel your shawl so that your enemy may acknowledge that you mean serious business by looking at the dangerous colours. Always unbutton at least three buttons to add an extra effect by showing your skull necklace. The bracelets – they're used when bare hands just don't do the job. Remember, by hook or by crook…

You need to do something with your face. If you look like you're still in school, you'll be in trouble. I would advise that you do not touch your hair and beard, let it grow. You want to look like a ferocious grizzly bear. 

Now, you look like a proper BORO bhai, what's next? Well, looks alone won't get you the appreciation of others. To be a real BORO bhai you need chhoto bhais to follow your footsteps. Remember, without chhoto bhais there are no BORO bhais and vice versa. Where and how do you get chhoto bhais? Hopefully, there'll be a lot in your own area. Make an attractive poster with your creative slogan. Print it out and cover everything in your area with them. This will likely attract some residents of that area to be your chhoto bhais. If by any chance this does not work, post your offer on DSD, "DS blue-collar job recruits: area – Rampura, salary – negotiable, no experience required, as many people as possible." Watch as hundreds comment, "Interested, check inbox."

The final requirement for your metamorphosis is to increase your communication skills and be more social. You have to show the people of your elaka that you care for them, in return they'll care for you. Memorise the names of all the uncles and aunties, and their children. Make sure you know everyone in the elaka by their names. Move around and socialise with them all day, every day. Assertively greet your neighbours with a salaam. Also, this is 2015, be digital. Add every one you know on Facebook; you can even add that pretty girl that lives across your flat.

You are now ready to become a BORO bhai. Like all professions, with practice and experience you will improve. Plan on increasing the radius of your elaka because stagnation can never be good. Help apus whenever they're in trouble, they'll appreciate it. Take care of your chhoto bhais whenever a rival BORO bhai crosses the limit. Always be ready for anything. It's a dangerous world, and now you control a small portion of that danger. You are the danger.

Shoaib Ahmed Sayam doesn't need coffee because he stays up all night anyway, doing the things he should be doing during the day. Send him John Cena memes at facebook.com/ooribabamama